Thursday, 20 April 2017

Bintang.Malam.Setia.Seperti.Dirimu.


"Bintang malam setia seperti dirimu 
Tetap pudar menghilang tiada gantimu
Dan kumasih terasa degupan jantungmu 
Tanpamu kukan rapuh"

---

Dua hari lepas, aku balik dari Shah Alam pagi lepas usrah malamnya. Ayah pick-uped kat stesen tren kemudian drive dia terus ke tempat dia nak pergi, Bukit Jalil. Aku bawak balik kereta seorang diri ke rumah. Dalam kepala waktu hantar ayah tu dah fikir macam-macam. Nak beli itu ini kat Aeon Big sebab nak masak macam-macam. Haha. 

Lepas hantar ayah terus tak ingat handphone terus meluru ke Aeon Big dan bermacam-macam aku beli guna duit aku. Haha. Freedomm! Sejurus shopping selesai maka kembalilah aku ke rumah. Tengok-tengok phone ada 5 misscalleds, 2 whatsapp messages dan 2 text messages dari ayah dan mak aku. 

Dalam hati, "Alamak, matilah aku. Lupa nak update keberadaan diri. Huhu"

Memang tabiat aku bila keluar lupa nak bagitau dah sampai mana report kat mak ayah aku. Dibuatnya hari itu benda yang sama berlaku. Sorry ayah mama bila dah keluar kepala otak dah fokus dah nak buat kerja. Hehe. Sampai lupa mama ayah :P

So, terus call ayah aku, "Ayah, sorry tadi phone silent pastu lupa nak bagitau. Ni dah sampai rumah dah. Tadi along pi aeon big." 

Mulalah ayah aku membebel. Dari waktu aku call tu sampai ke malamnya. Hohoho. 

"Penat orang call tak angkat. Orang dok risau dah awat tak angkat call. Nak main golf pon payah. Takleh fokus", ngomel ayah aku. Aku hanya tersenyum kambing je kat dia. 

Tak sangka kan umur dah besar gabak, ayah mak aku masih lagi treat aku macam budak-budak tanya dah sampai ke belum. Update selalu. 

----

Hari tu aku bangun tidur. Tengok phone ada orang messaged. Orang jauh nun di new zealand sana. Dia bagilah kata-kata semangat sebab aku dok sedih cerita perasaan orang menganggur ini kat dia. Haha. Dapatlah satu hadiah; 


---

Apa sebenarnya point aku nak cerita ini? 

Selalukan kita rasa macam takde orang care pasal kita, bagi kita support dan kita rasa macam kita lalui kepayahan itu seorang diri. Percayalah kita tak pernah seorang diri. Allah itu sentiasa ada di sisi kita. Allah juga datangkan jiwa-jiwa yang sangat sayangkan kita, risaukan kita, doakan kita, nasihat kita. Merekalah bintang-bintang malam! Setia bersama kita menghadapi perjalanan hidup. 

Terkadang kita tengok orang lain, kita rasa macam whoa bestnya hidup dia! Cuba pause kejap, tengok keliling hidup kita. Punya banyak orang-orang yang menyayangi kita. Yes, mungkin diorang tak tunjuk care dan kasih sayang depan-depan. Tak letak gambar, tak letak caption sweet pada kita. Tapi cukuplah kita ambil masa dan cuba cari hidden message daripada kata-kata bebel diorang. Asian don't really say love but they show love! Action speaks louder than words. 

(tapi kadang-kadang kata-kata pun kena tunjuk gak. fair enough.)

Jom sama-sama selalu doakan kebahagiaan dunia akhirat buat mak ayah kita, adik-beradik yang kita selalu gaduh tu, kawan-kawan (akhawat) kita yang selalu kacau daun dalam hidup kita. Their actions speak love.

---

"Darimu kumengenal erti kekuatan
Hadirmu semua indah."

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p/s: buat akhawat yang dirindui di sana. Selamat berprogram hari ni! 

Wednesday, 19 April 2017

Sesabar.Seorang.Murabbi



Fatimah masuk ke bilik study lalu rebah di depan meja studynya. Air mata ditahan, mulutnya tertutup rapat, matanya terpejam kuat menahan rasa pilu. 

"Ya Allah, kuatkan hati ini", pinta hati kecil Fatimah. Istighfar dikuatkan berulang-ulang kali. 

---

Bukan Fatimah tak biasa dengan asam-garam menjadi murabbi. Tapi setiap kali ujian datang hatinya pasti sakit. Cukup mencabar menjadi murabbi. Manakan tidak, hanya dia seorang yang senior di situ. Teman-teman seperjuangan sudah kembali ke medan realiti sebenar, meninggalkan dia seorang diri di bumi Kiwi bersama anak-anak buahnya. 

Apa yang berlaku kali ini adalah salah satu cabaran seorang murabbi dalam memahamkan anak-anak usrahnya kenapa perlu mengorbankan kesukaan diri daripada kesukaan diri demi untuk menyantuni adik-adik mad'u yang tercinta. Semasa meeting Jaulah tadi, masulah Jaulah bertanyakan aktiviti yang sesuai utk dilakukan bersama adik-adik tahun pertama di sana. Meeting disertai oleh Fatimah dan 5 orang anak-anak usrahnya. Mereka semua akan berjaulah (berjalan-jalan berisi) keliling pulau utara New Zealand selama 2 minggu cuti di situ. 

Aina, si Masulah (ketua projek Jaulah) bertanya, "Okay, utk aktiviti hari kedua kita main water rafting ye?" 

Insyi cuba memberi pandangan yang lain, "Tapi kan kita dah buat dah tahun lepas. Jomlah kita main benda lain." 

Aina menjawab lagi, "Hurm..Insyi, adik2 first year semua nak main water rafting sebab diorang semua tak pernah main. Bila tanya-tanya diorang, ramai jugak yang nak pergi." 

Seorang lagi ahli meeting, Tiqah cuba menambah, "Haah, bila tanya-tanya diorang, diorang ramai yang nak main water rafting. Tapi kan, saya pon tak nak main water rafting boleh tak? Tak cukup duitlah. Kita main benda yang lebih murah." 

Fatimah menarik nafas dan mengeluh. Kelihatan majoriti mereka ingin beraktiviti lain selain daripada water rafting. Padahal itulah tarikan utama Jaulah Pulau Utara, water rafting. Tidaklah berapa menakutkan seperti bungee jumping, agak affordable harganya dan aktivitinya beramai-ramai senang untuk menjalinkan ukhuwah dan bonding-bonding gituu. Hanya Aina sahaja yang ingin teruskan dengan aktiviti water rafting. 

Aina cuba untuk memberi rasional lagi kenapa perlu water rafting, "Akhawat, adik-adik semua nak main water rafting. Main water rafting kan best, lepas tu boleh bonding-bonding dgn adik. Kalau tak, macamana? Hilanglah peluang." 

"Ala Aina, kita main lah benda lain. Bungee jumping ke. Hahh, kita tak pernah buat lagi kan. Kalaulah sebab adik-adik tu, kita bagi je diorang main water rafting. Time diorang main water rafting, kita pergi tempat lain." Aina memang antara orang yang kuat bersuara dan boleh tahan hebat auranya. Anasir taghyir sangat tapi banyak benda yang perlu dibentuk lagi fikrahnya. 

Fatimah cuba bersabar dengan perjalanan meeting tersebut. Kelihatan Aina tidak tahu untuk menjawab apa-apa. Aina lantas memandang tepat kepada Fatimah, kakak murabbinya. Seakan pandangan memohon bantuan memanggil-manggil Fatimah untuk bersuara. Fatimah cuba untuk tersenyum dan memberi buah fikiran untuk anak-anak usrahnya. 

"Akhawat semua, akak rasa kita kena tengok balik hadaf (objektif) kita buat Jaulah ni. Kita nak buat jaulah untuk nak bina hubungan dengan adik-adik kan. Supaya bila diorang semua dah kamceng dengan kita, senanglah untuk kita cerita ttg Allah dan Islam pada mereka. Macam yang Aina dan Tiqah bagitau dan kita semua pun tahu, adik-adik first year ramai yang nak main water rafting kan, jadi lebih best kalau kita teruskan dengan aktiviti itu. Mungkin saja kalau kita tukar aktiviti lain, adik-adik akan buat jaulah mereka sendiri. Melepaslah peluang kita", terang Fatimah satu persatu. 

Anak-anak usrahnya semua tertunduk kelat. Muka mereka agak tak puas hati. Ada yang merengus perlahan tanda protes. Fatimah cuba bertahan dikuatkan hatinya untuk bersabar. Bukan senang untuk memahamkan mereka yang baru saja ingin bergerak di jalan dakwah ini. Mengajarkan mereka tentang prioriti dakwah itu yang penting berbanding kemahuan diri sendiri. Sehinggakan di masa depan nanti, mereka kena berkorban perasaan, jiwa dan harta hanya semata kerana dakwah. Ahh, banyak lagi yang mereka perlu belajar. 

---

Fatimah mencapai telefon bimbitnya. Aplikasi whatsapp dibuka. Ditekan nombor seorang sahabat perjuangannya, Bazy. Ditaip perkataan-perkataan luahan rasanya perlahan-lahan sambil tertumpah air matanya di pipi. 



Salam Bazy, ahhhh susahnya T_T



7.30 pm di Malaysia sekarang. Pasti Bazy sedang menunaikan solat jemaah di Maghrib dan kemudian dinner bersama keluarganya. Fatimah tahu itu rutin harian Bazy selepas Maghrib, menyantuni ahli keluarganya. Cukuplah sekadar dapat menyampaikan luahan rasanya pada sahabat yang disayanginya. Fatimah puas dan lega. Dia yakin Bazy akan membalas keesokan paginya. Jam sudah menunjukkan 12.30 malam. Dia perlu tidur sekarang. Esok Fatimah perlu bangun awal untuk menyiapkan assignment essaynya untuk dihantar hari lusa. 

---

Keesokan paginya, jam loceng telefon bimbit Fatimah berbunyi lantas dia bangun menyelesaikan rutin paginya. Qiyam, subuh bersama akhawat, mathurat, bersiap-siap dan sarapan. Kemudian, dia terus mencapai telefon bimbitnya. Ada mesej whatsapp di situ; 


Wslm Imah, hang on there! Aku tahu bukan senang nak tarbiyah adik-adik tu. Kuatkan kesabaranmu. Nanti kita call eh. Love you fillah. Nah hadiah; 30:60


Fatimah tersenyum. Inilah yang dia nantikan. Satu nasihat berharga buat dirinya yang penuh kelemahan. Lantas dibuka alQuran pemberian murabbi pertamanya. 

"Maka bersabarlah engkau, sungguh, janji Allah itu benar dan sekali-kali jangan sampai orang-orang yang tidak menyakini (kebenaran ayat-ayat Allah) itu menggelisahkan engkau."
Ar-Rum : ayat 60

Dipanjatkan syukur pada Sang Murabbi Agung. Ya Allah Kau masih lagi bersamaku, memberikan kekuatan kepadaku, menyampaikan kata cintaMu melalui ayat-ayatMu dan tidak pernah aku merasa sesal menggalas beban menjadi seorang daie dan murabbi. Syukur ya Allah atas kurniaanMu; anak-anak buahku dan sahabat-sahabatku yang tercinta. Kau permudahkanlah urusan akhawatku! 

Sekian. 


p/s: buat yang berjuang di sana, moga terus kuat dan tabah mentarbiyah. Buat di sini dalam fasa adaptasi, kuatkanlah kesabaranmu. Allah pasti akan memberikan yang terbaik buat kita. Jazakumullahu khayr. 



Monday, 17 April 2017

Of.feeling.like.a.loser

In a state of feeling like a loser
When you cant do anything
But depends solely on people
You achieve nothing
And you feel like youre not doing anything

O Allah
How painful this state it is
Whatever you hear is just complaining and destructive comments
No compliments, care, support and love

O Allah how tested I am with this state

This test is clearly Allah wanna clean me
I dont know from what
But this pain is real deep
Whenever this feeling comes
It hurts me to the core of my heart

Of feeling like a loser
You just feel like wanna give up

Thursday, 13 April 2017

A.Painful.Regret.




I was putting off reading the Quran since this morning. It is my fault. I have been engaged with my work and also distractions - reading general information around the World. I guess distractions first than doing my work. 

Later in the afternoon, I cannot pray as my period comes. 

How I wish I read Quran first then I do my work and lost in the distractions. T_T

I have been struggling a lot with the Quran. It's the time that Ive been tested with no feeling towards it. You know, when the early phase you know and learn about the Quran, you become a person like so immersed in the Quran, you feel the peace, serenity and so much more. You get like 'high' in it. 

But as time goes by, the feeling towards somehow depleting. I guess it's not just for Quran. It can be in our prayer and any ibadah, or even dreams and relationship right?! It comes to a stage where you get used to it and you don't have the feeling anymore. That's the hardest part! 

Are you still going to read it when you're not feeling like want to read it? Are you just doing it when you feel happy or excited about it? But how about the feeling is not there? 

Oh Allah, I feel so stupid, so worthless, so regretful with my actions. I just want myself to actually learn this and never doing it again. But it turns out that I'll keep on doing the same mistake again and again. 

Maybe I should do something. This is HUGE to me but there will be another ENORMOUS one that I will kill myself I do it. Regret in the akhirah. There are many ayahs talking about how this person really regrets about his/her actions in the World when finding out that they end up in Hell. The most regretful one - you can no longer fix it cause they're no longer chance. You just have to face it for eternity! Naudzubillahhh T_T I dont want it!!!!!!

وَلَوْ تَرَىٰ إِذِ الْمُجْرِمُونَ نَاكِسُو رُءُوسِهِمْ عِندَ رَبِّهِمْ رَبَّنَا أَبْصَرْنَا وَسَمِعْنَا فَارْجِعْنَا نَعْمَلْ صَالِحًا إِنَّا مُوقِنُونَ

If you could but see when the criminals are hanging their heads before their Lord, [saying], "Our Lord, we have seen and heard, so return us [to the world]; we will work righteousness. Indeed, we are [now] certain." (32:12)


I'm writing this hopefully someone who reads this can learn from my mistake. Please pray the best for me. 

Jazakumullahu khayr. 


Tuesday, 21 March 2017

Tarbiyah.Umrah.#4: Be good to our parents!

Wabilwalidaini ihsana

During my umrah, I see so many people from different regions with a different range of age. There are youngster, old people, adults, disabled people and babies. However, one thing in common in all of them are they are taking a great care for their parents.

You can see a son is holding his dad's hand and his dad is really struggling to walk. There is a daughter who walks side by side with her mom, not letting of her hand so that her mom can walk safely without any worry of getting lost. Even a husband who pushed his wife on her wheelchair taking her to the masjidil haram.

It's really a great view to look upon. Despite of so many old people walking hard to get their umrah done, there must be a relative who helped them.

Allah said in the Quran, wabilwalidaini ihsaana. There are few places in the Quran mentions that phrase - to be good to your parents. But to our knowledge, there is no place in the Quran that says be good to your own children.

Why is that?
You know, it's so easy for parents to love their kids. The children dont really have to do much in order to be loved. The parents automatically love them. This is because they are the ones who take care  of the children right from the beginning of the pregnancy till they grow up.

But in order for the children to pay back their parents is not that easy. We can see so many settlement villages for elders and there are some who just abandons their parents. To them, taking care of their parents is another burden. They have their career and their dreams to achieve.

So guys and girls out there,

Be good to our parents while they are still here in this Dunya. After that, we have no more who will pray the best for us nonstop.



Monday, 20 March 2017

Tarbiyah.Umrah.#3: Ranting on Selfish People



On the second day, we'd try to get ourselves pray on the ground floor, the closest that we can get to the Kaabah. We got second row of the second prayer space which is not bad. As we're waiting for Asr there are more people coming in try to get some space for them to pray.

There are nice people but there are some who are sooo selfish. These people maybe they were too tired to find a space by themselves that they decide to just sit on someone else's prayer space. They were not taking their seat but they just sit in front of that people which is happened to be a space for people to sujood. So when they were sitting, there was no more space for people (who came earlier and already save their space) to sujood.

It is so frustrating to see them. In fact in order for them to realise their mistake that we have to clearly talk to them that they have to go away and some of them even replied back that it is okay, there will be more space when everyone stands up. Whoaaa this is challenging and it's really testing my iman!

To be honest, selfish people is really frustrating. They are a bunch of people who I have struggle the most to be positive with. I bet u guys are the same as well aye? Things just got so hard if there are so many selfish ppl. They just want their things to get finished first. They dont really to wait for their turn, they just randomly sit in ppl's place, they cut the line and so much more to be said here. I am so discouraged by these people!

The same thing to Malaysia, there are tonnes of selfish people there. Just take Malaysian drivers for example.

This reminds me of the Judgement day. U know Rasulullah said, on that day, everyone will be selfish, they dont really care about the one that he loved. Even Allah said in the Quran, during the Judgement Day, a dad wants to secure himself from Hell that he is willing to sacrifice his wife, his children and his best friends.

I wonder how the situation looks like in real life?! It must be so horrible.

There are some reason ppl tend to be selfish and I think the biggest reason is they are desperate. They desperate maybe because the source is scarced and if they dont fight for it, they will not get it.


I just hope that on Judgement Day, I will be included in a group of people who are safe and make my way to Jannah.

Sunday, 19 March 2017

Tarbiyah.Umrah.#2: Fastabiqul khayrat




Masjidil haram ini 24-7 masa operasinya. Manakan tidak, setiap saat setiap masa punya orang datang menziarahinya. Masa yang selalunya semua orang sedang nyenyak dibuai mimpi kalau dilihat di masjidil haram masih penuh manusia yg sedang melakukan tawaf, saie dan beriktikaf di dalamnya. Lebih kurang satu juta pada masa tersebut. Tak pernah putus manusia yg datang beribadat di dalamnya.

Entahlah, bila difikirkan, ramainya orang yg sedang mengejar redha Allah. Kalau kau malas nak berusaha mengejar redha Allah, know that there are tonnes of people who are tak pernah penat nak kejar redha Allah. Kalau kau malas, 'tren ini' bergerak je, kau yang akan tertinggal.

Fastabiqul khayrat. 

Berlumba-lumba membuat kebaikan.


Ya Allah tetapkan hatiku utk sentiasa fastabiqul khayrat biarpun mereka di sekelilingku tidak menyokong atau menghalang. Kerana hati ini ingin mengejar redha Allah, supaya Allah itu cinta dan redha padaku. Kerana diri ini terinspirasi dgn 'sekeliling idamanku' para anbiya' dan para sahabat. Merekalah contoh qudwah yang terbaik!

Saturday, 18 March 2017

Tarbiyah.Umrah.#1: Good 'ol tough people!



Sakitnya kaki wpun dah rehat 5 jam tapi masih terasa sakitnya tapak kaki. Berjalan lamanya atas marble yg keras. Lenguh dan longlai bila nak menghabiskan saie. Tapi kalau difikirkan kembali, kami skrg lebih manja dan mudah menjalankan umrah - tempatnya disiapkan dgn air conditioner, tanahnya tidak berkerikil dan kasar penuh dgn batu, dibina cantik dgn marble dan dibuat bukit safa dan marwah itu di dalam kawasan teduhan masjid, tidak ada cahaya matahari yg direct contact dgn kami.

Bukankah itu sudah cukup senang dan mudah buat kami berbanding orang zaman dahulu yg lebih super susah dan mencabar?

Ya Allah betapa hebatnya orang zaman dahulu, lasak, kuat dan tidak manja.

Buat yang pinggang dan kakinya sakit seperti aku, Allah menghadiahkan kita dgn satu ayat yang cukup menenangkan hati dan menyentuh jiwa!

يَا أَيُّهَا الْإِنسَانُ إِنَّكَ كَادِحٌ إِلَىٰ رَبِّكَ كَدْحًا فَمُلَاقِيهِ

Wahai insan, sesungguhnya kau bersusah payah krn Tuhanmu maka kau akan berjumpa dgnNya (84:6)

Tidakkah sweet ayat ini? Allah seakan memujuk hati ini. Ya, Aku tahu kau sakit kau penat tetapi ketahuilah bahawa Aku sedang melihat kau yg sedang bersusah payah untukKu, maka jangan khuatir atas segala kesusahan itu, kau pasti akan dapat kesudahan yg baik apalagi dapat berjumpa dlm keadaan Aku meredhai atas segala kepenatanmu.

Analoginya bilamana orang mention kesusahan kau, mestilah maksudnya dia sedang memuji kau bukan? He is appreciating your effort. Maka tidakkah itu yg kita kejar bilamana Allah itu recognise usaha kita. Touchinggnyaaa~~


Maka kuatkanlah tekadmu, biarlah payah susah janji kita dapat berbuat yg terbaik utkNya dan Dia redha.

Friday, 17 March 2017

Anecdote.on.the.plane



After 5 years living in NZ, NZ has become a big part of my life. It lives in a special space in my heart. I have this feeling of gratitude and chilling when someone mentions NZ in the future. I'm about to land on my country but I've already miss NZ. I cant really accept the fact that Im leaving NZ forever. We shall see in the future if I can visit you again.

Things shall change as time goes by. 
But the feeling and memories will always stay.
Thank you for being a big part of my life. 
You somehow brought me to who I am now.

Thank you to all the people there. 
Akhawat 
Adik2
ACS Labstaffs
Random strangers 
And so much more.
And
To the future and many more challenges to come

Ya Allah I seek Your guidance and help for me keep on walking on this path.
InsyaAllah I believe that this is just a beginning of another new phase of life. Great man has courage and move on with his life.


Will struggling in life challenges to get me all the way to Jannah - the eternity place.


Tuesday, 7 February 2017

flight.post.



Assalamualaikum wbt 

I’m currently on my flight back to Malaysia for good. Still, I cannot believe that I’m actually leaving the country permanently. I dont know why but it seems my body, mind and soul cannot fathom or even process that fact. It just feels like I’m going back for summer. But actually, I am not coming back to New Zealand. I left everything there- my dakwah work, my lab technician job and most importantly, all the people and the memories. 

Looking back at all the memories, after almost 5 years in New Zealand has been such a great experience as in life experience. I still remember the day when I first touched down in Auckland, I cannot wait to meet akhawat there, exploring NZ and do what I have to do there - study and dakwah. 

Year by year, everything seemed more challenging and taught me how to be a real person and have more courage towards life. 

It started in 2012 where I was first starting to know Auckland and all the akhawats there. Kak Sarah told me that I only have 2 months to get to know this waqi’ before I started to do dakwah there. I remembered there was one day, Kak Sarah actually brought me to every apartment unit that akhawat stayed in (back then most of the akhawats lived in Forte Apartments - which is really awesome. Makan tingkat atas, solat turun bawah, meeting tingkat lain. Just call and we’re coming. haha.) Yeah, she actually did that and i got to meet most of the kakaks there. That time, I was really excited to handle a liqa’, become a murabbi. It’s all thanks to KABIL, where we really connect to each other and tell what do we do there - mostly doing tajmik, df and also handle usrah. Yeah, I was super excited to bring a liqa’ that Kak Nadhiya told me she cannot forget that I said to another sister that I wanna bring a liqa’ despite whatever happened. 

(is listening to Maher Zain’s song of I’m Alive while writing this makes me think of Anis Amsyar - well amsyar, you surely will be missed!)

That year as well, where the beginning of my major challenge which is my study. End of 2012, I got disqualified by faculty to do my actual course - Biotechnology and then had to change it to Biological Science. I was really frustrated by it. Time management was really a struggle for me. Got not much time to actually study and digests plus remember all the bio facts which is super important cause if you dont remember you basically cannot answer the question at all like nothing at all! I kept on struggling with that year by year. 

2013 is the year where I was given the chance to lead a katibah where I am the youngest member of the katibah. I mean, kakak-kakak at that time was really pushed and made the most out of me in order for me to learn a lot from this dakwah & tarbiyah. It was really a huge task for me. At the same time, study was really a huge struggle. I am basically just a student that barely survived and I failed like 4 papers out of my 3 and a half study years and always got C’s for most of the subjects. Was never a bright student at that time. 

Things got really challenging as years passed by, where from the beginning I was just handling a circle to a katibah then to actually lead a lokaliti and last year was the year that I was given an enormous to manage New Zealand’s dakwah and tarbiyah. Things never got easy for me, always got harder and harder day by day. I personally feel that Allah really taught me the hard way. Or maybe I only learn that way. 

Some of the things that got me really sad being on this road is when we see akhawat did some actions that somehow make us feel like not prioritising dnt or even I feel like as if they dont really care and feel  something about this dakwah and tarbiyah. insted, they priotised normal things like travelling or having awesome things but actually that part of time/money-spending is what dakwah needed the most at that time. 

Anyhow, I also faced struggles like feelings towards akhawat as well. For example, always having positive thoughts towards akhawat is really hard. Like why these particular akhawat always together jalan sama2, pergi cafe sama2 and not even invite us to join it. It was happening like many times that I developed a thought that akhawat didnt really cared or loved me. Whenever it comes to serious matter as in dakwah matter, yeah we got together and work on it. But whenever they were having fun they neglected me. I am always alone back then that I remembered when I was walking to a meeting place I was comparing myself with other akhawat few steps in front of me and behind me. They walked together but me - I was just walking by myself. Some of them become bestfriend that one of them waited for one another and do things together. But me, just do my things alone and I was really stressed at that time with all these dakwah tarbiyah matters that I feel I need supports and love but I didnt get it. Things got really worse to the extent sometimes it bothered me so much and sometime i even spilled it out to one of them. “Yelah, bestnye korang selalu study sesama, pergi senyap2 tak ajak saya pun. Sedihnya!” 

She then explained that I always busy with my tasks and study which is actually true that she didn’t want to disturb my busy-ness. Despite of what happened, Allah always send me akhawat that cared for me, loved me despite of I didnt realise it. So many that when I think of it now, they actually cared for me. Every of my birthday, they always celebrate with what I like the most - nahlul faruq with the brownies and their suprises when I was just finished my shower..haha., ihsanians with celebration at uncle man’s restaurant, kak fareha and her Malay food feast and Ain Sahimi with her ikan bakaq air asam - they actually cooked it for me and so much more. Fatin, one of my best buddies or I can say my best bestfriend I really love for the sake of Allah always said to me, “Akak selalu rasa macam tu, rasa orang tak sayang dia la ape la.” She always got frustrated when I think of that way. Most of the times, I cannot read between the lines. They dont really tell they love me but their actions said it. Hahaha. I’m so kurang kasih sayang punya orang. hahaha. Padahal, they dont say it cause I dont really respond to lovey dovey things, always keep on putting the macho mode. 

As time goes by, I learned that Allah sent so many loves through all these akhawat and their care and love! For now, I only realised it. Poor me! I wish I could see it earlier. 2 days ago they threw a huge makan-makan celebrating my bfg - just for me. And just now, 3 big cars came and send me off at the airport. Their gifts as well. How’s that? Is it still you’re not loved and cared of? Take that! 

I would like to use this chance to actually appreciate all the things that you have done to me. May Allah bless all of you with Jannah! Each one of you has helped me a lot and made me who I am today. Tribute to Fatin Aqilah, my adik lejen, for always being there, layan all these merepekness of mine, layan my kurang kasih sayang attitude, try hard to console me whenever I cried on her, and even in the first place letting yourself to actually listen to my struggles which is really heavy for you. It was really hard to find a person that I can spill what I feel cause what I faced usually things that I cannot tell any random akhawat. It was something super sensitive or I can say really heavy and depressing that up until now whenever I told her what I’m facing through she always dont know how to respond or even making her stressed out and fear to carry this burden. My dearest tintun, jazakillahu khayr for everything! I love you fillah. 

2016 taught me deeply about ukhuwah and how important is that for dakwah to work and move. So many hearts-aching situations, so many incidents that actually broke the ruh of a dakwah team. We have so many great people but cannot connect to each other. We dont feel supported by each other, meeting is like a debate session that someone will feel like a loser and someone just slashed their hearts with sharp words. No feeling of yes we have different opinion but I actually understand why you feel that way and try to consider that but it’s just like I think of this way, whoever objects it I’m gonna make her to understand and submit to my opinions. That’s the actual feeling or vibes that always happen whenever we got together to do meeting etc. Hence things got worse, akhawat do things by themselves, each locality only care about their locality. No understandings, no support for each other. NONE. Which is really sad and breaking things apart. 

I tried hard to become a mediator, stay diplomatic and try to make people understand each other but it’s not easy as it looks. You yourself also got scarred on your heart, you yourself have your stress and we have things to be done and sometimes got really mad with what heart-feelings cause it’s really a disturbance for dakwah. I myself got so many other problems for me to settle down as well. But I have to always stay calm, be patience and try to find a reason of this person behave like this so on and so forth. To make this happen was not really easy task at all. Period. Up until today, things dont really settle to its bottom. But things got more positive, I would say. 

Being together, having each other back up, support and love is the most crucial part of a dakwah team. You just cannot like becoming a robot and work. People actually have feelings. Behaving well according to akhlak Rasulullah is really a key for this. I cant say even more. That’s what it takes! 

I guess that’s it for now. I’m so sleepy rite now. 

Till then, 

Bella.