Thursday, 19 July 2018

Of.another.self-searching

Assalamualaikum wbt and hi!




It's been three weeks now since I landed on this British land. Time passes and I have been in so many conditions and emotions. Most of the time I'm all alone and I do feel lonely. You know when you're the only Muslim girl in this area and whenever you walk you only find non-muslims most of the time and you feel you're so different and not belong to the place. 

Sometimes you get warm smiles, sometimes you don't. But that's okay. However, the very bad time is when you get a bad vibe. You can feel it. Just now, I was walking in front of this guy who was talking on the phone and he looked at me with nothing. I just kept on walking in front of him and when I was literally in front of him, I can hear him spitting and it sounds like that spit is very close to me. 

My feeling? Oh gosh, don't ever ask. It makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like my self-esteem is going very very low. I feel dishonoured and unappreciated. This is adding up from what happened 2 days ago, some appointed people in the organisation where I worked, decided not to keep the first aid room as my prayer room anymore. My supervisors in the UK had already make an arrangement to have a room for me to pray since 2 months but out of sudden, it changed this week. My supervisor was really frustrated. They decided to make the room for storing things instead of having pray inside. I mean, I was okay in the first place but after a while, it got me thinking that they prioritised things over me, the human. Funny, right?

I feel like am I lesser than things. Or my prayer is not your priority since you're not Muslim, aren't you? I had enough of the prejudice that I received from your immigration officer when I was arrived in Heathrow and having these stuffs happened to me makes me feel even sad. 

But alhamdulillah I still manage to motivate myself everyday. I think about Maryam, Asiah, Muadz bin Jabal, all the companions that are alone by themselves in a foreign place. I feel a very huge respect to them for succeeding of going through their journey all their lives. I mean I just being alone here for almost 3 weeks and I'm already started to feel this bad. How even they survive?

Let me search the answer later. I mean, I do have some answers from my ukht but I don't feel it yet. I think I have to work on it first. After I got it and did it, then I'll write it down here in this blog. 

Well, thank you very much for reading this.
Jazakumullahu khayr. 
See you later!

Sunday, 24 June 2018

Leaving.To.UK


Im currently on my flight to UK rite now, heading to Plymouth for my work & training there.

Up to this current moment, I don't have any excitement inside of me. People around me who are actually excited when they know the news. But I'm not. I feel nothing.

Maybe the ultimate reason is the place itself, there is none akhawat there. Very few muslims I suppose and no dnt to help there. I'm going to be surviving my iman alone there. I feel like 3 months can be really long and things could change in this period of time and I hope it's a great change for me as in my iman & contribution to the ummah.

I felt unhappy leaving Malaysia, because number one, I feel I'm like not really helping any dnt at any place. Im not helping in direct way. More in terms of indirect way. Second, I'm not going to the UK for touring/visiting. I'm going there for work. I expect more work to do, more focus, conduct presentation in conference for the first time and many more first time, I guess.

Back when I was staying in New Zealand, I love coming to NZ because I have so many akhawat there. We take care each other, specifically our iman & tarbiyah together. So, worry not about it and really enjoy your time with all the reflections, sharings and tadabburs from my lovely sisters. Everywhere you go, I feel excited and calm when I have my akhawat with me.

But now, going to UK alone (actually it's with my colleague who is super nice and very happy with her but still, it feels different cause I cannot depend on her for my iman & dnt.)

I strongly feels that there are very solid reasons why Allah sends me to UK now at this specific time and place. I believe He is the greatest planner and He knows the best. I just hope for the best and I will certainly have my own goals and objectives for my stay there.

Here's list of it;
1. To know more about muslims in Plymouth & their conditions and also the UK itself.
2. To make notes and finished full revision of these; arabic with Husna & muntalaq. Maybe I can master these two aye? But if there's any literal arabic class that I can join, that'll be great!
3. To maintain my prayer-on-time, tilawah, mathurat, fasting (I'll try my best >~<), reading and learning.
4. To discipline myself. No lalai watching youtube videos for so long and nothing is progressing. Give 100% in work & also tiptop in dnt.
5. To always catch up with dnt esp in ipoh. Well prepared for usrah and make a blog for anak usrah to refer and spill out.
6. To always surround myself with good islamic & iman-lifting video of great people like aidaazlin, NAK and others.

And that's it for now..
After a while of reflecting on this event of my life, I think Allah wants me to make me stronger. He is going to test me am I able to survive if I am placed in islamically-remote area. I remember vividly I said we have to understand 3T so that if you were tercampak in any place, u can still do your dakwah. Maybe that's the purpose of me coming here. To practice this 3T. Huuu.

Okay, I think I have to accept that maybe it is. And it's not that easyyy. Very challenging but I can try bit by bit. I just hope I can work this well. Let's see later of how it goes. I just hope I changed for the betterment of ummah insyaAllahhh.
Ya Allah, help me and always make me in a very good iman. Love me always and take me closer and closer to You day by day. May Allah ease everything and I can get the best out of this stay. Aminn ya rabb.

Till then, 
Assalamualaikum wbt.

Wednesday, 4 April 2018

Near.Death.Experience.

Salam alaykum, 

I just want to write a little bit about my near death experience yesterday. Just to pour out my feeling here. That's it. 

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So yesterday I decided to follow my akhawat to go swimming in UM swimming pool for the first time. It was normal. I went to have my dinner first alone in the car and then wait for Kak Sol and Wahida to come to the pool. When they arrived there, we made our way to the pool and luckily, I got it for free. Kak Sol was telling me so you have no excuse not to go swimming here. I was thinking the same thing. 

So we changed our swimming suits and headed to the pool. We put ourselves at the very close to the swimming lane stand where swimmers jump to go inside the pool. We played around by ourselves as everyone tried to brush up their swimming skills. I forgot to mention when I first stepped into the pool, it's not that deep. The water is up to my neck and I thought that it is going to be same for the whole pool. They forgot to tell me that when you go further to middle of the lane, the depth is going to be higher. 

I swam until the middle part of the lane and got tired. So, I stop swim and try to stand on my feet but the water got up to my face that I feel panicked. I struggled to make my face floating to catch some breath and I swallowed some of the water as well. I thought I'm going to drown there. I yelled as well but I think no one hears me cause the pool is big and there were not many people there. Around less than 10 people swimming in the pool. 

As I struggled to be alive, it's like someone told me in my mind that I need to be relax and calm. I tried to stay calm and I realised that if I tip toe my face can be on the surface. So, with my weak body, I tried to walk slowly with the end of my toes to go the side of the pool. After few moments (that I feel like years), I managed to get to the side and put my hand on it. It was such a relief!!! I feel like I'm alive again. It's like I was given a chance to live again. T_T

I put myself on top the side of the pool, caught more air, calm myself down from all the coughs and panic to gain back the strength. Then, Kak Sol came and told me about the depth of the pool and I said I almost drown just now from it. She apologised from forgetting to tell about that and I said it's okay. I mean it's not her fault and it somehow my fault as I don't really prepare or try to study the situation first (in this case, to know the depth of the pool for the whole swimming area). You know, when animal is getting into a new place, it will study the area first before it does something. 

I mean, same goes to us, we too need to actually prepare before we do anything. Not just simply blindly do things without guidance. I think this is what Allah wants to experience yesterday. The fact that I feel that I'm going drown or maybe die is just horrible. Thinking about my deeds in this life, I don't think I am ready. So many things to improve inside of me. I am not yet maximise my time in doing good stuffs, always lose focus and whatnot. But the truth is, we ready or not, if it's the time, then it has to. We cannot delay our death and it has written for us. There were a lot of cases about people who died out of sudden. It can be while praying, playing and naudzubillah not while doing sin. T_T

People say that high chances are we are going to die while doing activity that we engage the most in our life which is make sense right. I mean, if you spend 24 hours doing something, so you have high possibility to die while doing that. So, bella, why not you engage with something that gives you benefits dunia akhirat so that you may die with Allah's Redha. Aminnn...I pray that I can die in the state my iman is at the highest. Aminnn ya Rabb!

Okay, that's it for now. Till then, see ya! 

Salam.