He.is.always.there

Just remember Bella, jatuh teruk macamana pun, berdosa macamana pun, asal kau tak mensyirikkan Allah, pergi pada Dia, minta ampun pada Dia, taubat. He loves you dearly and always there for you.

love,

guilty bella

plymouth

Of.another.self-searching

Assalamualaikum wbt and hi!

It's been three weeks now since I landed on this British land. Time passes and I have been in so many conditions and emotions. Most of the time I'm all alone and I do feel lonely. You know when you're the only Muslim girl in this area and whenever you walk you only find non-muslims most of the time and you feel you're so different and not belong to the place. 

Sometimes you get warm smiles, sometimes you don't. But that's okay. However, the very bad time is when you get a bad vibe. You can feel it. Just now, I was walking in front of this guy who was talking on the phone and he looked at me with nothing. I just kept on walking in front of him and when I was literally in front of him, I can hear him spitting and it sounds like that spit is very close to me. 

My feeling? Oh gosh, don't ever ask. It makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like my self-esteem is going very very low. I feel dishonoured and unappreciated. This is adding up from what happened 2 days ago, some appointed people in the organisation where I worked, decided not to keep the first aid room as my prayer room anymore. My supervisors in the UK had already make an arrangement to have a room for me to pray since 2 months but out of sudden, it changed this week. My supervisor was really frustrated. They decided to make the room for storing things instead of having pray inside. I mean, I was okay in the first place but after a while, it got me thinking that they prioritised things over me, the human. Funny, right?

I feel like am I lesser than things. Or my prayer is not your priority since you're not Muslim, aren't you? I had enough of the prejudice that I received from your immigration officer when I was arrived in Heathrow and having these stuffs happened to me makes me feel even sad. 

But alhamdulillah I still manage to motivate myself everyday. I think about Maryam, Asiah, Muadz bin Jabal, all the companions that are alone by themselves in a foreign place. I feel a very huge respect to them for succeeding of going through their journey all their lives. I mean I just being alone here for almost 3 weeks and I'm already started to feel this bad. How even they survive?

Let me search the answer later. I mean, I do have some answers from my ukht but I don't feel it yet. I think I have to work on it first. After I got it and did it, then I'll write it down here in this blog. 

Well, thank you very much for reading this.

Jazakumullahu khayr. 

See you later!

Leaving.To.UK

Im currently on my flight to UK rite now, heading to Plymouth for my work & training there.

Up to this current moment, I don't have any excitement inside of me. People around me who are actually excited when they know the news. But I'm not. I feel nothing.

Maybe the ultimate reason is the place itself, there is none akhawat there. Very few muslims I suppose and no dnt to help there. I'm going to be surviving my iman alone there. I feel like 3 months can be really long and things could change in this period of time and I hope it's a great change for me as in my iman & contribution to the ummah.

I felt unhappy leaving Malaysia, because number one, I feel I'm like not really helping any dnt at any place. Im not helping in direct way. More in terms of indirect way. Second, I'm not going to the UK for touring/visiting. I'm going there for work. I expect more work to do, more focus, conduct presentation in conference for the first time and many more first time, I guess.

Back when I was staying in New Zealand, I love coming to NZ because I have so many akhawat there. We take care each other, specifically our iman & tarbiyah together. So, worry not about it and really enjoy your time with all the reflections, sharings and tadabburs from my lovely sisters. Everywhere you go, I feel excited and calm when I have my akhawat with me.

But now, going to UK alone (actually it's with my colleague who is super nice and very happy with her but still, it feels different cause I cannot depend on her for my iman & dnt.)

I strongly feels that there are very solid reasons why Allah sends me to UK now at this specific time and place. I believe He is the greatest planner and He knows the best. I just hope for the best and I will certainly have my own goals and objectives for my stay there.

Here's list of it;

1. To know more about muslims in Plymouth & their conditions and also the UK itself.

2. To make notes and finished full revision of these; arabic with Husna & muntalaq. Maybe I can master these two aye? But if there's any literal arabic class that I can join, that'll be great!

3. To maintain my prayer-on-time, tilawah, mathurat, fasting (I'll try my best >~<), reading and learning.

4. To discipline myself. No lalai watching youtube videos for so long and nothing is progressing. Give 100% in work & also tiptop in dnt.

5. To always catch up with dnt esp in ipoh. Well prepared for usrah and make a blog for anak usrah to refer and spill out.

6. To always surround myself with good islamic & iman-lifting video of great people like aidaazlin, NAK and others.

And that's it for now..

After a while of reflecting on this event of my life, I think Allah wants me to make me stronger. He is going to test me am I able to survive if I am placed in islamically-remote area. I remember vividly I said we have to understand 3T so that if you were tercampak in any place, u can still do your dakwah. Maybe that's the purpose of me coming here. To practice this 3T. Huuu.

Okay, I think I have to accept that maybe it is. And it's not that easyyy. Very challenging but I can try bit by bit. I just hope I can work this well. Let's see later of how it goes. I just hope I changed for the betterment of ummah insyaAllahhh.

Ya Allah, help me and always make me in a very good iman. Love me always and take me closer and closer to You day by day. May Allah ease everything and I can get the best out of this stay. Aminn ya rabb.

Till then, 

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Near.Death.Experience.

Salam alaykum, 

I just want to write a little bit about my near death experience yesterday. Just to pour out my feeling here. That's it. 

-

So yesterday I decided to follow my akhawat to go swimming in UM swimming pool for the first time. It was normal. I went to have my dinner first alone in the car and then wait for Kak Sol and Wahida to come to the pool. When they arrived there, we made our way to the pool and luckily, I got it for free. Kak Sol was telling me so you have no excuse not to go swimming here. I was thinking the same thing. 

So we changed our swimming suits and headed to the pool. We put ourselves at the very close to the swimming lane stand where swimmers jump to go inside the pool. We played around by ourselves as everyone tried to brush up their swimming skills. I forgot to mention when I first stepped into the pool, it's not that deep. The water is up to my neck and I thought that it is going to be same for the whole pool. They forgot to tell me that when you go further to middle of the lane, the depth is going to be higher. 

I swam until the middle part of the lane and got tired. So, I stop swim and try to stand on my feet but the water got up to my face that I feel panicked. I struggled to make my face floating to catch some breath and I swallowed some of the water as well. I thought I'm going to drown there. I yelled as well but I think no one hears me cause the pool is big and there were not many people there. Around less than 10 people swimming in the pool. 

As I struggled to be alive, it's like someone told me in my mind that I need to be relax and calm. I tried to stay calm and I realised that if I tip toe my face can be on the surface. So, with my weak body, I tried to walk slowly with the end of my toes to go the side of the pool. After few moments (that I feel like years), I managed to get to the side and put my hand on it. It was such a relief!!! I feel like I'm alive again. It's like I was given a chance to live again. T_T

I put myself on top the side of the pool, caught more air, calm myself down from all the coughs and panic to gain back the strength. Then, Kak Sol came and told me about the depth of the pool and I said I almost drown just now from it. She apologised from forgetting to tell about that and I said it's okay. I mean it's not her fault and it somehow my fault as I don't really prepare or try to study the situation first (in this case, to know the depth of the pool for the whole swimming area). You know, when animal is getting into a new place, it will study the area first before it does something. 

I mean, same goes to us, we too need to actually prepare before we do anything. Not just simply blindly do things without guidance. I think this is what Allah wants to experience yesterday. The fact that I feel that I'm going drown or maybe die is just horrible. Thinking about my deeds in this life, I don't think I am ready. So many things to improve inside of me. I am not yet maximise my time in doing good stuffs, always lose focus and whatnot. But the truth is, we ready or not, if it's the time, then it has to. We cannot delay our death and it has written for us. There were a lot of cases about people who died out of sudden. It can be while praying, playing and naudzubillah not while doing sin. T_T

People say that high chances are we are going to die while doing activity that we engage the most in our life which is make sense right. I mean, if you spend 24 hours doing something, so you have high possibility to die while doing that. So, bella, why not you engage with something that gives you benefits dunia akhirat so that you may die with Allah's Redha. Aminnn...I pray that I can die in the state my iman is at the highest. Aminnn ya Rabb!

Okay, that's it for now. Till then, see ya! 

Salam. 

on.loneliness.

Salam everyone,

It’s been a long time since I write a post in my blog. I don’t wanna talk about how little time do I have cause I think that’s just an excuse. But let me just get this one done so I can break this bad habit of procrastinating for so long.

I just feel like writing what I learned a lot since I got back home for good – to learn living by yourself. It’s not that I rent a house/room and stay alone by myself. Not I’m not. In fact, I’m actually living in my family but having said that, I find my life so far has been more alone than before I was in Auckland.

Back in Auckland, everything was very cheerful as in the sense you’re constantly meeting people. I rent with my 4 akhawats and being akhawat, you’re always have people in your house – be it akhawat or adik-adik (sisters that we take care. We, the older ones ‘kakak-kakak’ feels the responsibility to take care of them. Something like that. Haha.) Back to the point, I love living in the house that full of people. You see people every time. You talk, connect and share every time that up to a point that you seek for some space for yourself. You get fed up with some attitude that sometimes happened. You need to give and think and help others. Sometimes, it can get too much that I was once wish that I can fast from having a whatsapp message coming in my phone. Haha.

However, table is turned now. In this phase of adulthood, I get more my me-time. I work alone in front of my laptop. Mostly I eat alone in front of my computer. I go to prayer room alone. I drive by myself most of the time. Personal whatsapp messages is hardly coming in compared to times before and whatsapp groups are not really flooding my phone. No more constant chatting like before - ever.

The huge reason is I don’t really live with akhawat now. I have to live with parents. There’s another story of that. I don’t want to talk about it. I do have a few colleagues of mine but we’re not really working at the same thing much. We have different research going in. We do chat and grab food at the same time. But that’s just it. I do meet akhawat according to my schedule. There are nights that I spend with my family and there are nights that I spend with akhawat.

Honestly, I would say three-quarter of my adaptation phase, I feel so lonely than before. I’m not used to life without akhawat in close contact of everyday. I started to think about how sad my life is and how people really don’t care about me and how life is always good in New Zealand and whatnot. I only see the bad side of it and I always cry. Always. Crying at how lonely I am and having no one really cares, this is the most hurtful truth that I felt. I am human too.

I do have a best buddy that I always turn to whenever I’m sad but to the sad truth, she cannot always be there for me as she has sooo many things to do that she even cannot properly have her own sweet time and the fact that we lived far apart, makes things even more harder to tell. I just feel sad and try to think positive whenever I didn’t get a chance to tell or receive any reply from her. (But actually she did reply. She always reply. It’s just that the moment you feel sad and you tell everything via text and she didn’t reply at that area of time with the emotion you have at that moment, made everything looks so grieving.)

A man asked the Messenger: "Who is the most wise of people O Messenger of Allah?" He replied: "The one who remembers death most often and the one who is well-prepared to meet it; these are the wise; honorable in this life and dignified in the Hereafter."
[Ibn Majah,Tabarani]

Yes, there’s nothing but only truth in Rasulullah s.a.w’s words!

For every single thing, there will be a remedy and to me, remembering and reflecting upon death and how the life would be in the next phase of life is what makes me accept this situation and try to make the most out of it. If I can remember it well, it was one time when I heard from a lecture about what we would face in the grave – alam barzakh – where we would be alone by ourselves. Alquran would be in the form of a man that will accompany us alone in the grave if we have a strong relationship with it, which I personally has to improve on certainly! T_T

Since that narration I heard, it got me thinking of why I really seek of companionship when it’s all going to be me alone by myself in the end. If I, in the first place, am very close to the Creator, isn’t it going to be no more loneliness for me until forever. Cause once your heart is very close to Him and you want and feel His presence, it is in fact He is always there in whatever phase of life you are in. So why find companionship of human when you can fill with the presence of Allah that will everlasting? Cause once you addict for human companionship, you’re going to be hurt again at the time you’re separated from the ones you love the most.

To be alone is okay. To feel lonely is NOT okay.

When you’re all alone and you feel His presence - that’s the best!  You get the time to reflect of what have you done. You got the time to plan and execute. You can do it in your way and less time to stuck in a matter that people create to disturb other people.  

You’ll never ever feel alone!

You have Him that always there for you, giving you all these blessings, take care of you and ease everything for you. He is Ar-Rahman. We are the servants of Ar-Rahman, the Most Compassion. We forgot to be thankful to Allah. The basic needs area already there in front of our eyes.