Birthday.2022.

 Salam, 

I actually forgot to do this and just now I was reminded by accident of this thing so let's write it out! (I hope I don't forget it next year!)

1. What is your age now?

I am now 31 years old. Alhamdulillah! 

2. Describe yourself now? 

Alhamdulillah I am in my first year of marriage. I am so grateful and blessed to be given the chance to build a life together with my zauj (pasangan/husband). I am about to finish my working with NexAMS and still waiting for my master's paper to be accepted (it literally at the finalA stage now!) I also have received a great news yesterday alhamdulillah but still waiting for my love to grow well. Whatever happens, I love you, my dear! 

I could say I am actually at the time of my life alhamdulillah :) 

I currently live in rumah warden cause my zauj is a teacher and a warden as well. I work from home and will go to UM if needed. 

3. How do you find yourself now?

Alhamdulillah I find myself happy and comfortable but I am also feel worried of myself cause my amalan was not really good, especially my qiamullail. I hope I will get it improve as time goes by. I am still putting my effort to upgrade my hafazan and I haven't started my Arabic learning yet. Huuu. 

Overall, things are good now alhamdulillah. 

4. What is one thing that you really learn now?

I'd say do not let yourself invest in something that do not give you benefit especially in engaging things that make you feel stressful. 

Another thing, this is my first time feeling so hard and mujahadah to go out from house to go for dnt things i.e. usrah, program etc. Very very challenging!

5. State your current words that you always say now?

Abang. Sayang mintak maaf and terima kasih for everything. 

6. Any advice for past Bella?

You did well, Bella. Alhamdulillah your patience and mujahadah pay you off! <3

7. What do you want to tell future Bella?

I hope in whatever situation that you will find yourself in, stay with Allah. Hold on to Him. 

---

I think that's all. Thank you!

Birthday.2021.

Assalamualaikum wbt. Now it's almost 1am in the morning. I've just finished usrah at 12am plus and then replied some chats on my whatsapp and telegram and now here we go! I have lofi music playing in the background and ready to write some questions to reflect on my life journey so far. 

Let's go! 

 1. What is your age now?

This year is pretty much special cause I'm entering my 3 series now! OMG never thought that I witness a 30-year old bella but alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal, Allah is still giving me His blessings to live up to this age and may Allah keep on giving His blessings and love to me so that I can always work hard just to seek for His redha. 

2. Describe yourself now? 

I'm doing good now. I'm enjoying my WFH status and I love it! I really love to work from home cause I can do so many things at the same time with my own time and my own space. No traffic jem, no wasted time on travel, save money. Alhamdulillah. 

I'm currently preparing for my Masters viva. Still waiting for the date and I have pretty much finished reading my thesis which I saw there are so many mistakes. Huhu. I just hope that I could pass my viva and submit my correction asap and graduate. I pray hard to Allah for giving me pass my masters with flying colours. Aminn ya rabb. 

3. How do you find yourself now?

 

I find myself as a confident and strong lady. I am still single and not available (?) I don't know, it's still not that certain. I put all this situation to Allah. If Allah allows me to end my single life with the best life partner dunia akhirat, Alhamdulillah I am so grateful with this blessing. If Allah wants me to be single for my whole life in this Dunya, I accept it with redha in my heart insyaAllah. I am praying to Allah to put me in the best situation which takes me closer to Him and on the right path. Whatever situation is, I just want to be on this straight path towards Him. As long as I have Allah, then I am happy. That's it. 

I feel like I have begin to enter the acceptance phase with my life situation. I am happy and grateful to have my family with me, I have my akhawat with me and I am still on my dnt journey. Alhamdulillah! That's so much blessings in my life now.  

4. What is one thing that you really learn now?

I think I learn to help myself to see more of my blessings in my life than to see whatever that I lack in my life. Don't get me wrong, I still feel I am lesser when I saw my friends' posts/stories of their new house, marriage life, new family, new baby etc. Those things still get me but it does not affect me so much compared to years before this. 

With this balance of my lifetime, especially as a single lady, I really want to make the most out of it for what I love to do -  serving my family and of course, my DNT! I want to use this time that I have to improve myself - for a better Bella with a strong mindset, strong physical, strong iman, strong patience, beautiful akhlak, improved hafazan and arabic. Phewww~ There are so many things to achieve, aye! 

5. State your current words that you always say now?

I think my current words that I always say now is my doa. This year of Ramadhan, I really learn about making doa to Allah. Everyday, I try to make my doa as sincere as I can to Allah. And the doa is just the same; I will start with complimenting Allah, say Asmaul Husna that are suitable to my doa later like al-mujib, al-ghafur, al-afuww, al-fatah, al-'aleem, ar-rahman, ar-raheem. Then I will send salam to Rasulullah, His beloved prophet and continue with stating my weaknesses and my lacking as His servant. I state my sins and my wrongdoings with a feeling of regret and sadness as much as I can. 

Then I will making my way with my doa; my hope and wish only to Allah cause He is my God; who can grant all my doa and make these happen. He knows what the best for me and He will surely let only good things happen to me, be it something that I look for or not. My pray is for my parents, siblings, family, akhawat, anak usrah, teachers, all muslimin, my future life partner and my future generation, my rezeki and job opportunity, my Jannatul Firdaus and many more. 

May Allah makes my heart, my iman and my patience strong to go on this hardship phase of life. 

6. Any advice for past Bella? 

Hey sad Bella, be strong okay. This will get better soon insyaAllah. Those people surround you love and care about you. Your family, especially Mama, really the best person you have, to go through this life journey. She always care and love you and hope for the best for you. And your akhawat too, they really taught you about life as a servant and as a daie that you should be. Without them, I don't know what will happen to you. 

Things will get better soon biiznillah! 

7. What do you want to tell future Bella?

Dear future Bella, I hope you'll become much better version of me right now. I want you to know that whatever it is, just hold on to your faith, hold on to Allah and qiamullail, be with Allah is the most precious moment of your lifetime! It's what makes you going on now! 

Okay, I think that's it. I really love you, Bella. I just hope the best for you! May Allah grants us the Highest Jannah and the status of as-Syahidah. Amin ya rabb! 

Till then, bye! <3

Thoughts.while.watching.the.first.30.minutes.of.Tenggelamnya.Kapal.van.der.Wijck

Assalamualaikum, 

I just come here to drop by my thoughts after finished watching the first 30 minutes of a movie which is a writing piece of Buya Hamka, Tenggelamnya Kapal van der Wijck. I actually do not really prefer to watch love story but I don't know why somehow I decided to watch it today as a gift to myself after I have spent my day doing my writing session for masters. 

So here's what I feel and want to write; 

The scene that got me really mad is when the Ninik Mamak, a group of selected important and respected men in their big family or their suku/tribe, held a meeting to discuss on the matter of Hayati and her marriage proposals. So two marriage proposals came to Hayati. The first one is from Aziz, a modern westernised guy with crystal clear of full-blood Minang lineage who happen to like Hayati due to her beauty seen by him when she came to his house during the horse racing event (she happened to be a friend of his sister, Khadijah who offered Hayati to stay at her house during the event. Hayati came to Padang Panjang with the intention to meet Zainuddin, his true love, at the racing event cause they are separated at distant due to her Ninik Mamak dislike of Zainuddin’s mix-blood lineage) and the second one is Zainuddin, a kind-hearted, islamic and decent guy who loves Hayati wholeheartedly, fell in love with her when he came to Hayati’s hometown to learn about Islam but got discriminated by all the village people who are Minangkabau descendants due to his non-full or partially Minangkabau.

I got really mad listening to these respected dominant male members who felt that they did a really good and important job of discussing what’s the best for their tribe members by upholding their value towards their adat really high that actually lowering down their priority for religion. They care too much about one’s bloodline that they could decide the best person is to get married with Hayati is the westernised, unislamic Aziz over this decent and faithful Zainuddin. They also seen to be not really cared about Hayati’s wellbeing and opinion as they only wants Hayati to follow their dictatorial decision. They did ask Hayati of what she felt after they came out with their decision. Hayati could only cry listening to it and at the same time, they furthered their question to Hayati to reveal of what she thinks about the decision. Since Hayati could only cry and did not utter any word, they kept on pushing Hayati to speak so that they could only leave the place of meeting and have dinner. They asked her not to get her consent but only to fulfil the ritual/procedure for asking. Just to follow the protocol/adat. They do not really care about Hayati’s feeling. They only care about their pride, ego and ‘face value’ cause they cannot stand of people mocking them for having an imperfect-lineage member in their family. Their heritage is somehow stained or distorted if that happens. I mean, come on, if they really cared about Hayati, just by seeing her crying, you could easily understand that she does not want to get married to Aziz. 

One more interesting scene is when they (the Ninik Mamak) were having ‘the discussion’, a young member of the meeting members voiced out his opinion that it is not a good practice to lower down people just because of his lineage status. However, he was severely objected with a high rise voice by the leader tribe who happened to be Hayati’s father that this young guy do not know what he is talking about and it is a wrong statement. He, the leader, knows much better than the young guy. Shouted by the elder member, the young guy straightly shut off his mouth. So, we can see here of how arrogant and egoistic are the elder alpha members of the family/tribe. They do not listen to their young members’ view. They do not spare any thought on listening to the young generation. 

Birthday.2020.

Assalamualaikum wbt and hi, 

I haven't written any single thing ever since July 2018. That is almost close to two years of not writing anything here. Sorry blog, it's just that I find that I have other platform to write but I always put you in a special place compared to other medium cause you're the first platform that I used to pour out whatever I feel since 2008, I guess and ever since that time, writing has been my therapy for me. Whenever I feel emotional or whatever, it is always writing that heals me the most.

Okay, since I don't think I am going to write on a frequent basis here so I decided to do some honourable things over here with this precious blog of mine. I plan to always come here for every of my birthday and just answer to the very same questions each year. The purpose is to keep track of my life and to see how much different or progress my life is compared to the year before or after. I don't know why but now I really like to write for my future self, just for some future reflection. 

Without further ado, let's answers some questions shall we?

1. What is your age now?

I am 29 years old right now. 

2. Describe yourself now? 

I am not really in a happy state. I can say I am pretty much sad these few days due to unknown or unresponsive or uncertain replies from person that I feel very nervous about cause this person might affect the rest of my life. So, I'm quite sad cause I don't know what will happen in the future. 

Due to my single status now at this age, my dad has constantly worries with me. He really worries if I have reached that age where there will be no one wants to marry me. He sees me as a person who doesn't really want to get married cause this young woman always think about her usrah only and never care to dress up, wearing make up and be attractive so that guys will get attracted to me. Honestly, I am very heartbroken with whatever perception that my dad has on me. As a woman, I am really sad to see people see me for what my physical is but not on my upbringing, my akhlak, my confidence, my intelligence. Is that only why you think a woman is attractive? For her appearance only. I am sad with my dad cause I thought that kind of perception is only happened for people who do not know me well but alhamdulillah for my mom that is sooooo supportive and so strong. I really adore her for what she has done to our family. My mom rocks big time compared to my dad! Sorry ayah. 

Career wise, I am still doing my masters and jobless right now. But insyaAllah I'm now at the end of my masters journey and I really hope that I can finish it asap and graduate. I also will be working in September 2020 as an RA for another project to come. So I really need to finish this thesis and paper writing asap. 

Dnt wise, alhamdulillah I am still have the opportunity contributing in dnt like I want to. Though I find other super akhawat who have done and achieve so many things but alhamdulillah I take them as my inspirations and motivation to always pushing myself to become better. Alhamdulillah for 9 years of tarbiyah and dakwah. I look forward to contribute more and do more for dnt biiznillah. 

3. How do you find yourself now?

I find myself a lot better than I was in 2017 and 2018. I was really fragile at that years but now, I think I have become a little tougher at heart but still prone to fragile due to this person that I mention above. Honestly, I think I am ready to get married now. I only feel like wanting to get married now but still no sign of any confirmation of future spouse..haha. poor bella. I hope future bella found love of her life sooner. If yes, I am so happy for you, future bella. You better make a right choice ok!

I hope I get to be more productive, more discipline in terms of putting more hard work and more focus. I know for sure future bella will have to bear more burden and I just hope that I am capable to do that. 

4. What is one thing that you really learn now?

I really learn to just focus on your life now. Do not compare to anyone at all. Everyone has their own timings, their own ups and downs. So you just focus on yours, enjoy your life and appreciate everything in your life now especially my loved ones. 

5. State your current words that you always say now?

I think I don't have any current words that I usually say but I always tell myself to be focus and ignore whatever distraction comes in. 

6. Any advice for past Bella? 

You're almost there, bella. You actually see the shimmer of the light at the end of tunnel. You have grown into a person with quite a stern heart but fragile at the same time. I know it's complicated but yeah that's what it is! 

7. What do you want to tell future Bella?

I say I love you, Bella and I hope I will make you proud of me and I hope I make a good decision for you and I really want to make future Bella as successful and blessed can it be. Ultimately, I really want to make Bella in this life to have husnul khatimah and end up in Jannah in the afterlife. Amin!!!! 

I also pray that you'll be an amazing woman. You can maintain to be steadfast in juggling with lots of things at the same time - your dnt, your job, your family, yourself. I hope you'll find a great supportive husband that always make you feel blessed. I hope you'll become a great mother who will teach your children and your generation until they become the upholders of this Deen biiznillah. 

---

There you go, Bella. Happiest birthday and sanah helwah to you! May Allah always lives in your heart and grant you with Jannah. aminn. 

Love, 

Bella 2020. 

He.is.always.there

Just remember Bella, jatuh teruk macamana pun, berdosa macamana pun, asal kau tak mensyirikkan Allah, pergi pada Dia, minta ampun pada Dia, taubat. He loves you dearly and always there for you.

love,

guilty bella

plymouth

Of.another.self-searching

Assalamualaikum wbt and hi!

It's been three weeks now since I landed on this British land. Time passes and I have been in so many conditions and emotions. Most of the time I'm all alone and I do feel lonely. You know when you're the only Muslim girl in this area and whenever you walk you only find non-muslims most of the time and you feel you're so different and not belong to the place. 

Sometimes you get warm smiles, sometimes you don't. But that's okay. However, the very bad time is when you get a bad vibe. You can feel it. Just now, I was walking in front of this guy who was talking on the phone and he looked at me with nothing. I just kept on walking in front of him and when I was literally in front of him, I can hear him spitting and it sounds like that spit is very close to me. 

My feeling? Oh gosh, don't ever ask. It makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like my self-esteem is going very very low. I feel dishonoured and unappreciated. This is adding up from what happened 2 days ago, some appointed people in the organisation where I worked, decided not to keep the first aid room as my prayer room anymore. My supervisors in the UK had already make an arrangement to have a room for me to pray since 2 months but out of sudden, it changed this week. My supervisor was really frustrated. They decided to make the room for storing things instead of having pray inside. I mean, I was okay in the first place but after a while, it got me thinking that they prioritised things over me, the human. Funny, right?

I feel like am I lesser than things. Or my prayer is not your priority since you're not Muslim, aren't you? I had enough of the prejudice that I received from your immigration officer when I was arrived in Heathrow and having these stuffs happened to me makes me feel even sad. 

But alhamdulillah I still manage to motivate myself everyday. I think about Maryam, Asiah, Muadz bin Jabal, all the companions that are alone by themselves in a foreign place. I feel a very huge respect to them for succeeding of going through their journey all their lives. I mean I just being alone here for almost 3 weeks and I'm already started to feel this bad. How even they survive?

Let me search the answer later. I mean, I do have some answers from my ukht but I don't feel it yet. I think I have to work on it first. After I got it and did it, then I'll write it down here in this blog. 

Well, thank you very much for reading this.

Jazakumullahu khayr. 

See you later!

Leaving.To.UK

Im currently on my flight to UK rite now, heading to Plymouth for my work & training there.

Up to this current moment, I don't have any excitement inside of me. People around me who are actually excited when they know the news. But I'm not. I feel nothing.

Maybe the ultimate reason is the place itself, there is none akhawat there. Very few muslims I suppose and no dnt to help there. I'm going to be surviving my iman alone there. I feel like 3 months can be really long and things could change in this period of time and I hope it's a great change for me as in my iman & contribution to the ummah.

I felt unhappy leaving Malaysia, because number one, I feel I'm like not really helping any dnt at any place. Im not helping in direct way. More in terms of indirect way. Second, I'm not going to the UK for touring/visiting. I'm going there for work. I expect more work to do, more focus, conduct presentation in conference for the first time and many more first time, I guess.

Back when I was staying in New Zealand, I love coming to NZ because I have so many akhawat there. We take care each other, specifically our iman & tarbiyah together. So, worry not about it and really enjoy your time with all the reflections, sharings and tadabburs from my lovely sisters. Everywhere you go, I feel excited and calm when I have my akhawat with me.

But now, going to UK alone (actually it's with my colleague who is super nice and very happy with her but still, it feels different cause I cannot depend on her for my iman & dnt.)

I strongly feels that there are very solid reasons why Allah sends me to UK now at this specific time and place. I believe He is the greatest planner and He knows the best. I just hope for the best and I will certainly have my own goals and objectives for my stay there.

Here's list of it;

1. To know more about muslims in Plymouth & their conditions and also the UK itself.

2. To make notes and finished full revision of these; arabic with Husna & muntalaq. Maybe I can master these two aye? But if there's any literal arabic class that I can join, that'll be great!

3. To maintain my prayer-on-time, tilawah, mathurat, fasting (I'll try my best >~<), reading and learning.

4. To discipline myself. No lalai watching youtube videos for so long and nothing is progressing. Give 100% in work & also tiptop in dnt.

5. To always catch up with dnt esp in ipoh. Well prepared for usrah and make a blog for anak usrah to refer and spill out.

6. To always surround myself with good islamic & iman-lifting video of great people like aidaazlin, NAK and others.

And that's it for now..

After a while of reflecting on this event of my life, I think Allah wants me to make me stronger. He is going to test me am I able to survive if I am placed in islamically-remote area. I remember vividly I said we have to understand 3T so that if you were tercampak in any place, u can still do your dakwah. Maybe that's the purpose of me coming here. To practice this 3T. Huuu.

Okay, I think I have to accept that maybe it is. And it's not that easyyy. Very challenging but I can try bit by bit. I just hope I can work this well. Let's see later of how it goes. I just hope I changed for the betterment of ummah insyaAllahhh.

Ya Allah, help me and always make me in a very good iman. Love me always and take me closer and closer to You day by day. May Allah ease everything and I can get the best out of this stay. Aminn ya rabb.

Till then, 

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Near.Death.Experience.

Salam alaykum, 

I just want to write a little bit about my near death experience yesterday. Just to pour out my feeling here. That's it. 

-

So yesterday I decided to follow my akhawat to go swimming in UM swimming pool for the first time. It was normal. I went to have my dinner first alone in the car and then wait for Kak Sol and Wahida to come to the pool. When they arrived there, we made our way to the pool and luckily, I got it for free. Kak Sol was telling me so you have no excuse not to go swimming here. I was thinking the same thing. 

So we changed our swimming suits and headed to the pool. We put ourselves at the very close to the swimming lane stand where swimmers jump to go inside the pool. We played around by ourselves as everyone tried to brush up their swimming skills. I forgot to mention when I first stepped into the pool, it's not that deep. The water is up to my neck and I thought that it is going to be same for the whole pool. They forgot to tell me that when you go further to middle of the lane, the depth is going to be higher. 

I swam until the middle part of the lane and got tired. So, I stop swim and try to stand on my feet but the water got up to my face that I feel panicked. I struggled to make my face floating to catch some breath and I swallowed some of the water as well. I thought I'm going to drown there. I yelled as well but I think no one hears me cause the pool is big and there were not many people there. Around less than 10 people swimming in the pool. 

As I struggled to be alive, it's like someone told me in my mind that I need to be relax and calm. I tried to stay calm and I realised that if I tip toe my face can be on the surface. So, with my weak body, I tried to walk slowly with the end of my toes to go the side of the pool. After few moments (that I feel like years), I managed to get to the side and put my hand on it. It was such a relief!!! I feel like I'm alive again. It's like I was given a chance to live again. T_T

I put myself on top the side of the pool, caught more air, calm myself down from all the coughs and panic to gain back the strength. Then, Kak Sol came and told me about the depth of the pool and I said I almost drown just now from it. She apologised from forgetting to tell about that and I said it's okay. I mean it's not her fault and it somehow my fault as I don't really prepare or try to study the situation first (in this case, to know the depth of the pool for the whole swimming area). You know, when animal is getting into a new place, it will study the area first before it does something. 

I mean, same goes to us, we too need to actually prepare before we do anything. Not just simply blindly do things without guidance. I think this is what Allah wants to experience yesterday. The fact that I feel that I'm going drown or maybe die is just horrible. Thinking about my deeds in this life, I don't think I am ready. So many things to improve inside of me. I am not yet maximise my time in doing good stuffs, always lose focus and whatnot. But the truth is, we ready or not, if it's the time, then it has to. We cannot delay our death and it has written for us. There were a lot of cases about people who died out of sudden. It can be while praying, playing and naudzubillah not while doing sin. T_T

People say that high chances are we are going to die while doing activity that we engage the most in our life which is make sense right. I mean, if you spend 24 hours doing something, so you have high possibility to die while doing that. So, bella, why not you engage with something that gives you benefits dunia akhirat so that you may die with Allah's Redha. Aminnn...I pray that I can die in the state my iman is at the highest. Aminnn ya Rabb!

Okay, that's it for now. Till then, see ya! 

Salam. 

on.loneliness.

Salam everyone,

It’s been a long time since I write a post in my blog. I don’t wanna talk about how little time do I have cause I think that’s just an excuse. But let me just get this one done so I can break this bad habit of procrastinating for so long.

I just feel like writing what I learned a lot since I got back home for good – to learn living by yourself. It’s not that I rent a house/room and stay alone by myself. Not I’m not. In fact, I’m actually living in my family but having said that, I find my life so far has been more alone than before I was in Auckland.

Back in Auckland, everything was very cheerful as in the sense you’re constantly meeting people. I rent with my 4 akhawats and being akhawat, you’re always have people in your house – be it akhawat or adik-adik (sisters that we take care. We, the older ones ‘kakak-kakak’ feels the responsibility to take care of them. Something like that. Haha.) Back to the point, I love living in the house that full of people. You see people every time. You talk, connect and share every time that up to a point that you seek for some space for yourself. You get fed up with some attitude that sometimes happened. You need to give and think and help others. Sometimes, it can get too much that I was once wish that I can fast from having a whatsapp message coming in my phone. Haha.

However, table is turned now. In this phase of adulthood, I get more my me-time. I work alone in front of my laptop. Mostly I eat alone in front of my computer. I go to prayer room alone. I drive by myself most of the time. Personal whatsapp messages is hardly coming in compared to times before and whatsapp groups are not really flooding my phone. No more constant chatting like before - ever.

The huge reason is I don’t really live with akhawat now. I have to live with parents. There’s another story of that. I don’t want to talk about it. I do have a few colleagues of mine but we’re not really working at the same thing much. We have different research going in. We do chat and grab food at the same time. But that’s just it. I do meet akhawat according to my schedule. There are nights that I spend with my family and there are nights that I spend with akhawat.

Honestly, I would say three-quarter of my adaptation phase, I feel so lonely than before. I’m not used to life without akhawat in close contact of everyday. I started to think about how sad my life is and how people really don’t care about me and how life is always good in New Zealand and whatnot. I only see the bad side of it and I always cry. Always. Crying at how lonely I am and having no one really cares, this is the most hurtful truth that I felt. I am human too.

I do have a best buddy that I always turn to whenever I’m sad but to the sad truth, she cannot always be there for me as she has sooo many things to do that she even cannot properly have her own sweet time and the fact that we lived far apart, makes things even more harder to tell. I just feel sad and try to think positive whenever I didn’t get a chance to tell or receive any reply from her. (But actually she did reply. She always reply. It’s just that the moment you feel sad and you tell everything via text and she didn’t reply at that area of time with the emotion you have at that moment, made everything looks so grieving.)

A man asked the Messenger: "Who is the most wise of people O Messenger of Allah?" He replied: "The one who remembers death most often and the one who is well-prepared to meet it; these are the wise; honorable in this life and dignified in the Hereafter."
[Ibn Majah,Tabarani]

Yes, there’s nothing but only truth in Rasulullah s.a.w’s words!

For every single thing, there will be a remedy and to me, remembering and reflecting upon death and how the life would be in the next phase of life is what makes me accept this situation and try to make the most out of it. If I can remember it well, it was one time when I heard from a lecture about what we would face in the grave – alam barzakh – where we would be alone by ourselves. Alquran would be in the form of a man that will accompany us alone in the grave if we have a strong relationship with it, which I personally has to improve on certainly! T_T

Since that narration I heard, it got me thinking of why I really seek of companionship when it’s all going to be me alone by myself in the end. If I, in the first place, am very close to the Creator, isn’t it going to be no more loneliness for me until forever. Cause once your heart is very close to Him and you want and feel His presence, it is in fact He is always there in whatever phase of life you are in. So why find companionship of human when you can fill with the presence of Allah that will everlasting? Cause once you addict for human companionship, you’re going to be hurt again at the time you’re separated from the ones you love the most.

To be alone is okay. To feel lonely is NOT okay.

When you’re all alone and you feel His presence - that’s the best!  You get the time to reflect of what have you done. You got the time to plan and execute. You can do it in your way and less time to stuck in a matter that people create to disturb other people.  

You’ll never ever feel alone!

You have Him that always there for you, giving you all these blessings, take care of you and ease everything for you. He is Ar-Rahman. We are the servants of Ar-Rahman, the Most Compassion. We forgot to be thankful to Allah. The basic needs area already there in front of our eyes.

For.those.murabbies.out.there.

Assalamualaikum wbt

Hi everyone. It's me again, writing as a way to heal my inside.

It's nearly December now. I've been back for good since last March - so total up would be 9 months. Since my bfg, I have my bfg circle that I tried to cater all these lovely sisters that were bfg-ed the same year as mine. We had our circle went on online cause everyone literally spread across Malaysia and none of us were close in distance. We had a few jaulahs together - to Penang and Kedah twice. 

So, in September I told everyone in the liqa' to find their own usrah in their own place so that all of us can focus on contributing more in dakwah at our own very place. And it's not that easy for everyone as everyone has their own struggle that they face even until now. Some of them has usrah dan dakwah work to do, some just are having usrah only and unfortunately some are still waiting. May Allah take care all of you, my dear akhawat. 

Me in this side of the world, alhamdulillah already in the waqi'. Trying hard to understand the waqi', get along with the new and old akhawats and the most hardest part is to remember everyone's single name - OMG it's really hard! I ended up asking their name every time I met them and they're doing the same thing as well. HAHA. Alhamdulillah I'm blessed that Allah still put me in the place that really need people to work for dakwah and tarbiyah. Every week, every month, there will be so many things to plan, discuss, finalise, work and to conduct it. 

I am currently consider myself as a RUNNER whereby I help akhawat who work on this particular katibah and also my busy HO usrati for her anak-anak usrah. Still, to this very time, I haven't had any legit anak usrah. I do have known these few adiks from my university and we did have sharing a few times but still I don't really focus on them either as I put my energy a lot on these two things I said earlier. However, not having a legit usrah is really a missing piece inside of me. 

For those murabbies out there who might be having a severe breakdown with your anak-anak usrah, I would say take a few moments to pause and say alhamdulillah. I can say I'm literally feeling like I miss something or I am lonely partly because of this. Not staying with akhawat and not having anak usrah are really like a nightmare to me. It's going to make me feel way and way more lonely by myself. 

Whenever I saw these students in musolla that I pray every single and I look at their behave, I'm like, "There are so many things to do, yet you even don't have an usrah to work on it." It's such a painful reflection. 

I hope I can contribute more and more for the betterment of this ummah, not by conducting a public communal program with society cause everyone else do that. But by tarbiyah, nuturing the soul deep down inside with pure understanding and knowledge of Islam. 

I miss it so much. Especially when you're seeing everyone surrounds are very busy with their dnt stuffs but not you. 

Pray a lot for me. Thanks for reading.

Anas bin Malik al-Ansari

Menjadi impian aku utk sentiasa melakukan sesuatu yang bermanfaat utk dakwah dan tarbiyah seperti para sahabat dan para syahidin, seluruh hidupnya hanya kerana Allah. Maka menjadi niat aku untuk menghabiskan masa transisi aku di rumah utk menulis Ibrah dari kisah para sahabat dan bagaimana kisah mereka sangat dekat  dgn kehidupan kita sbg manusia dan daie. 

Aku tidak akan tuliskan riwayat hidupnya kerana banyak orang sudah menulisnya. Google sahaja, surely you can find it. Sumber aku : Buku 65 Gambaran Kehidupan Sahabat (Dr. Abdul Rahman Ra'fat al-Basha)

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Keberkesanan 10 tahun tarbiyah

Ummu Salamah membuat keputusan yang sangat tepat bilamana dia telah menginfakkan anaknya utk berkhidmat kpd Rasulullah. Mana tidaknya, beliau telah meletakkan anaknya di sebuah 'sekolah tarbiyah' yang terhebat -- menerima tarbiyah drpd Rasulullah sendiri! Jika kita lihat riwayat hidupnya, selama 10 tahun hidup bersama Rasulullah dan menerima tarbiyah di setiap saat, setiap sudut dalam hidupnya dalam 10 tahun tersebut. Tarbiyah 10 tahun itu 'membekas' sehingga akhir hayat Anas bin Malik yang berumur 103 tahun. Tarbiyah 10 tahun boleh memberi bekal utk dia berjuang sehabis baik 90 tahun kedepan.

Memberi refleksi kpd kita, apa berapa tahun kita ditarbiyah dan mentarbiyah ini memberi kesan yang lama atau hanya 10 minit selepas habisnya wasilah tarbiyah? Atau sesudahnya habis terus hilang semangat naiknya iman itu lalu tidak memberi kesan? (Naudzubillah) 

Kuncinya terletak kpd diri kita yang memberi dan menerima tarbiyah ini. Adakah sekuat Rasulullah atau Anas bin Malik yang sentiasa menjaga hubungan dgn Allah dan sentiasa memberi kebaikan kpd orang lain. Tepuk dada, tanya iman. 

Sentuhan murabbi hebat

Jika kita telusuri kisah Anas bin Malik, kita akan dapat lihat sahabat ini seorang yang sangat tarbiyah bil-hal. Apa itu tarbiyah bil-hal? Tarbiyah berdasarkan apa yang berlaku atau pengalaman/memori. Antaranya sentuhan Rasulullah yang dia paling ingat adalah; 

1. Panggilan Unais (little Anas) padanya

2. Kisah dia terlupa tugasannya dan Rasulullah bertanya kepadanya tetapi tidak memarahinya

3. 2 hari yang paling diingati 

      - Hari Rasulullah tiba di Madinah 

      - Hari Rasulullah wafat 

Sentuhan murabbi itu bukan hanya pada percakapannya yang lantang atau fakta-faktanya yang canggih dan mengagumkan. Tetapi kunci kita adalah sentuhan hati. Maka ada mad'u yang lebih belajar daripada qudwah kita, kata-kata informal/di luar liqa' dan perbuatan kita dalam seharian. Malah diri ini juga sama seperti Anas, sangat terkesan pada qudwah dan kesabaran seorang murabbi. 

Lihat saja kisah-kisah Sentuhan al-Akh karya Inspektor Saahab maka kita akan belajar betapa tindakan dan percakapan kita di luar wasilah tarbiyah sangat memberi kesan kepada seorang yang tsiqah/hormat dengan kita. 

Hebatnya sentuhan-sentuhan tersebut berbekas dalam hidupnya sehingga Anas menjadi orang ketiga yang paling banyak meriwayatkan hadis selepas Abu Hurairah dan Abdullah bin Umar!

Kekuatan Doa 

Rasulullah sentiasa mendoakan yang terbaik utk para sahabat Baginda termasuklah Anas sendiri. Antara doa yang diucapkan untuk Anas adalah; 

"Ya Allah, kurniakanlah kepadanya harta dan anak. Berkatilah dia." 

Justeru, Anas di akhir hayatnya adalah seorang hartawan dan punya keturunan yang ramai. Anak dan cucunya melebihi 100 orang. Whoa! Betapa Allah memperkenankan doa Rasulullah! 

Apa yang kita boleh pelajari di sini ialah peri pentingnya doa seorang murabbi. Sentiasa mendoakan kejayaan para mutarabbinya. Teringat kata-kata seorang kakak sewaktu awal aku mahu menjadi murabbi, 

"Kalau boleh setiap kali kita berdoa selepas solat, bayangkan setiap muka mutarabbi kita dan berdoa yang terbaik untuknya." 

MasyaAllah, murabbi itu sangat banyak berusaha untuk mutarabbinya. Bukan sahaja perlu bersabar dgn kerenah mereka, terlebih dahulu perlu memahami diri setiap mutarabbi dan diperlukan jugak utk berdoa untuk kejayaan hidup dunia akhirat dan dikeluarkan sisi rijal dalam dirinya. 

Apa ada kita mendoakan murabbi dan mutarabbi kita? (Huhu. Tembak diri sendiri) 

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That's it! Jika ada sebarang tambahan ibrah, boleh add on the comment below! Jazakumullahu khayr :)

A.Note.To.Myself.

"Happiness is actually the means, not the destination but the vehicle. It’s a way to live throughout life.

If happiness is about achieving things such as fame and money then why aren’t the rich and famous happy?

So what is it? The definition of happiness given by Allah and the Messenger is this: “Every organ in our body is going to be satisfied in a specific way, the stomach by food, the ears by listening to pleasing sounds, the eyes by looking at something beautiful”. The heart is created in a way that it can only be filled with something that goes inline with the nature of the heart.

The heart was created by Allah for Allah."

(taken from here)

As a normal human being, we grew up and faced a lot obstacles in this life. Each trial that we've gone through was super hard that we cannot bear it on ourselves. Particularly, as a woman/girl, there is the need to express the feelings and emotion and looking for support to face the challenges. Those who keep it to themselves and not pour it out in even a single way (you can express it through arts etc., not just via speech) can be a ticking bomb to themselves, waiting to explode and fear that it will be something damaging or lethal. 

So, based on my life, these challenges were bearable for me to face and I have an enough bravery to go through this is due to (one of) what Allah blessed me with; great friends and particularly a best friend. She is the one whenever I feel sad or I feel the need to pour out, I'll definitely came to (be it face-to-face, voice note, messages or emails). She was a really great friend where I found comfort, supports and bravery to do whatever I have to do. She always there to help me where I needed a help (be it earlier or later). I feel so blessed and happy whenever I'm with her (hanging out or talking to her or just be there with her).

But somehow, things are going a little bit deviate where I totally focus on the happiness and I equal the happiness with her presence. Whenever there is no presence of her (in terms of physical/virtual/messages), I feel like I'm not happy or I feel like I'm not loved at all. I feel like she is the only person who care about me so when she is not there, I feel like no one cares for me at all. To the extent that I associate happiness with her which deep inside I can feel that this is not right. I don't feel content and happy in a pure way. I always uneasy and always hoping for my best friend's text messages. I know she feels that what I feel about this friendship is not purely right. She only responds to the one that she feels that she need to respond or care for and I know she did that because she doesn't want me to get attached to her. There are also times where she will spontaneously speak out advice for me that I, hundred percent, admit that she is right about how I should feel with her and the friendship. She knows how to give reminders and deep down inside I know she is right and I accept it slowly. 

Just like what Yasmin Mogahed said in the above statement, happiness is a mean, not our aim. In my case, my best friend is a mean, not what I seek for and not my aim. It's hard but I admit she is not what I need the most even though all the things that I favour (love, care, support and strength) for I can find it in her but I totally forgot that I found it cause Allah permits it for me to find in her. Allah can take her out from my life or even diminish the things that I favour in her from her. It is possible that may be in the future or soon, I will no longer found love, care, support and strength from her. And if I still get attached to her, I will be broken to the max with myself. 

Little did I try to see and feel that she is not the only one that I can find all the things that I favour. There are many other people who are actually love, care, support and strengthen me that I purposely forget to see and admit it. I know and I want to change myself before I'll allow myself to be broken. To be broken for I depend on the wrong thing. Heart is solely made for Allah. Did I do justice to my heart? I think I need to work more in this. 

I am still struggling with this. I'm not done with this trial yet. But it takes courage and firstly, need to admit that this is utterly wrong and I need to make a change. My heart is solely for Allah and this false attachment is not good. My best friend is not guilty. She did her job, reminding and acted what she needs to. It's me that needs to do the job and alhamdulillah despite of this injustice that I did to Allah, He still bless me with this friendship and all I need to do is purify this friendship for the sake of Allah. 

That's all for now. Pray hard for me. 

Thanks. 

x

A.Divine.Remedy.for.the.messed.up

People are made very reactionary. Whatever happened we have this quick response like a knee-jerk response to everything. The quick involuntary reaction has both the positive and negative side of it. The positive side that it saves us from damage/injury such as our finger is accidentally touch fire, we immediately took our finger away. The bad side is we easily get angry, irritating, less patience, emotionally react and maybe to the extent of giving up with life. However, the body are also made that it can achieve another level by putting it into practice. For example, when a boxer practices hard to receive tonnes of punches that the boxer immune to it. Or it can be an adult who has more experience in tolerating and being patience to tantrum kids than a younger teenager. 

Hence, in this surah al-Maarij, Allah gave us solution or remedy to control our 'negative side of reactionary' which is solat/prayer. Constant prayers will train to become more patience and emotionally aware/stable to control our senses. Because in prayer, we actually meeting the Most High and Powerful. So, you train yourself to give the most highest priority focusing to Allah. Like when you're having an important interview, you'll totally put 100% of your focus to your interviewer. If there's a call coming in, you'll leave it for later etc. Same goes to prayer, it teaches us to focus of the most priority ones, ignoring the intrusion of other things that are less important. 

This is how it teaches us in life as well. When something happened in our life, we tend to get very reactionary and emotional immediately. You have all these negative coming at you and influencing to do sth stupid just to make you feel relief. But training in focus the most important ie your prayers will make you to relax back and think again, actually what is the most important to do now. What are the most priority thing to handle first. You can get clear view of what's happening now rather than having a messed-up thinking of your life. More aware and mature looking at your problems in life and also relating back consciously of this thing happened due to Allah's plan. And we know He is the best planner and he always gives the best for us. So we don't get overreaction but we try solve it wisely.

So the big question is how actually our prayer going? Are we having the 100% percent/khusyu' that we are meeting Allah, the Most High Powerful? I need to fix this very much! T_T

That's for now! Thank you. 

no.more.lejen.

When all your hopes are gone 

When all the things you wanna do are flushed away 

Like a fire burning spirit slowly getting mild and milder away

No one really care about you 

how you feel

They only care what they want for you

They seek more and more from you

leaving you with nothing but broken self. 

Oh Allah

For nothing that I have now

I think I'm falling down

One last pray from me

Please catch me when I fall. 

need.your.prayers.

Salam there,

Currently, I am having a roller coaster in life. Life is generally okay. I mean, I'm doing really bad. I have a job, I know what I wanna do, I have people who love me around me. But, things doesn't really go with I want it to be.

I always pray to Allah to make things ease for me. Yet, maybe it's still not happen cause I haven't done my part the best that I have to do. It's really stressed me up thinking about all of these. You know, when you have to start again from all the way from the beginning.

You're no longer living in RI
You're no longer have your strongest support system with you
You're no longer in that biah solehah and dakwiyah
Your current usrahmates don't really understand you yeah cause you don't really blend well with your waqi' due to your kekangan of making time with them (I can't really blame them cause it's me who makes it like that)
You don't know what happen with your life in the future (single/married life. being adult is just so hard)
You envision how you caught up with your life when looking at your master's prediction


O Allah
grant me a serenity and contentment
like how you used to give me

I really miss back in the days that everything seemed really hard but I feel you're there beside me.

O how hard life it is right now.
Even the person who you rely on the most have their own problem that you don't want to burden them.

Kegagalan.Tarbiyah.

Memang lumrahnya pada mulanya kita memasuki alam pentarbiyahan semuanya seperti syurga! Yelah, mana taknya kan, murabbi selalu ada dengan kita, tolong kita bila kita susah, masakkan untuk kita, main sport dgn kita, nasihati kita, teman seusrah pun satu kepala. Macam syurgalah kiranya! Hee. 

Tapikan menariknya dalam buku “Sudahkah Kita Tarbiyah” oleh Eko Novianto ini, penulis suruh kita muhasabah, check balik, adakah kita ini mengalami kegagalan dalam tarbiyah? Mungkin saja kita rasa kita dalam tarbiyah, tapi anggapan kita itu benar? 

Jadi, mari mulakan muhasabah kita, yosh!!

#1 Kita sebenarnya gagal dalam tarbiyah, bila kita pandang TARBIYAH SEBAGAI ‘TRANSFER MATERIAL’ SEMATA!

Bila mana kita rasa dah dapat pengisian itu sebagai tanda kita sudah ditarbiyah, no no no. Cuba kita check balik. Adakah betul-betul kita faham pengisian tersebut? Dan yang paling penting, adakah sudah kita amalkannya??? These are the things that we need to focus on! Selalukan bila kita pergi program atau usrah, tengok-tengok apa yang muwajih atau murabbi ini bagi bahan yang kita dah pernah dapat, terus kita macam “haihhh, dah dapat dah bahan ni. Takde bahan lain ke?” Kita terus shut down. Tak boleh macam ini. Mungkin saja bila kita dapat bahan kali kedua, ketiga, keempat malah ada yang sudah mendengar pengisian yang sama untuk kali ke-sepuluh pun, mesti ada benda baru yang dia belajar! (Bila dah dapat 10 kali tapi takleh jadi muwajih lagi untuk bahan tu, memang nak kena ni..hahaha). Apatah lagi, muhasabah untuk diri ini, suka bila Nouman Ali Khan kata dalam videonya, ayat-ayat AlQuran yang kita selalu ulang itu tak pernah kita akan bosan. Bila mana kita jumpa ayat itu balik, mesti ada benda baru yang kita belajar. *headshot* 

#2 Kita sebenarnya gagal dalam tarbiyah, bila kita rasa MURABBI ADALAH SEGALANYA BAGI MAD’U!

Menanggap murabbilah yang paling hebat dan kita takleh jadi hebat lagi daripada murabbi kita adalah salah satu kesalahfahaman besar dalam tarbiyah. Yang diperlukan oleh seorang murabbi sebenarnya adalah tsiqah (kepercayaan) daripada sang mad'u bukannya kehebatan. Malah seorang murabbi yang hebat bila dia menginginkan anak usrah menjadi lebih supersaiya dari dia! Kita ini bukan macam dalam cerita belajar ilmu ‘martial arts’, belajar dengan tok guru sampai satu tahap tok guru takkan ajar dah sebab dia mesti ada satu ilmu yang dia kena rahsiakan supaya lagi lemah dari dia. (Saya pun tak tahu sebenarnya realiti ke tak benda ni atau sekadar cerita sahaja..hurm). Pemahaman sebegini hanyalah membantutkan lagi potensi mutarabbi mejadi supersaiya, percayalah!

#3 Kita sebenarnya gagal dalam tarbiyah, bila kita rasa TARBIYAH HANYALAH PROSES INDOKTRINASI DAN DOMINASI

"Kita brainwash saja adik-adik ni!!”

Whooaa whoaa murabbi mana yang cakap macam ni? Mungkin saya. Hahaha. Takdelah bai. 

Berbalik kepada fakta nombor tiga ini, tarbiyah bukanlah sekadar nak mem-brainwash-kan manusia. Kita mendidik mutarabbi/manusia sehingga mereka dapat rasa dan alami sendiri betapa nikmatnya hidup di bawah cinta Allah dan bayangan alquran. Erti hidup menjadi hamba. Segala keserabutan, kebosanan, kepayahan hidup hanyalah boleh diselesaikan bila mana kita betul-betul rasa kebersamaan Allah dalam hidup kita sama seperti lejen-lejen hebat seperti para anbiya’, para sahabat, tabi’in dan syuhada' dalam sejarah hidup manusia ini. Tarbiyah lebih dari itu!

#4 Kita sebenarnya gagal dalam tarbiyah, bila kita ingat TARBIYAH ITU HANYALAH DALAM SATU BENTUK YANG FORMAL SAHAJA!

Tarbiyah itu fun! Fun dalam bahasa inggeris dan fan dalam bahasa arab. (Bahasa melayu ada perkataan 'fan' ke? Takde kan..hehe) Fun dalam bahasa inggeris bermaksud seronok dan fan dalam bahasa arab bermaksud seni. Tarbiyah itu bukan sekadar duduk dalam bulatan dengar kakak/abang usrah cakap dan membebel tapi usrah itu konteks lebih luas! Usrah itu ada sisi bahannya yang menyentuh jiwa dan membersihkan 'kaca mata’ kita. Usrah itu ada sisi ukhuwah dan kebersamaan keluarganya. Usrah itu ada sisi takaful dan saling membantu. Usrah itu ada sisi main-main seronok jalan-jalan. Usrah itu ada sisi disiplin patuh arahan dan tepati masa dan banyak lagi! Usrah itu seghonokkk beronok-ronok! hahaha. Itu baru usrah, belum wasilah tarbiyah lain lagi. haaaa :)

#5 Kita sebenarnya gagal dalam tarbiyah, bila ADANYA PEMBINAAN 'KLON MURABBI’! 

Kita tahu dan faham betapa umat Islam ini sangat memerlukan rijal-rijal yang mantop lagi hebat. Sama seperti pada zaman Rasulullah, rijal-rijal yang Rasulullah berjaya didik terdiri daripada pelbagai individu dengan kekuatan tersendiri. Khalid bin Walid dengan logam perangnya, Abu Hurairah dengan logam ingatannya, Umar Al-Khattab dengan logam kepimpinannya, Abu Bakar dengan logam kefahamannya. Jadi, kalau pembinaan mutarabbi hanyalah sekadar nak copy paste apa yang murabbi lalui, hurmm tepuk dada tanya iman. Rasanya itu bukanlah caranya. Setiap orang itu Allah jadikan penuh dengan potensi yang bermacam-macam untuk membina umat Islam jadi kenapa mahu ‘cloning’ bhaa? 

Alright sudah habis celotehan saya dengan muhasabah kegagalan tarbiyah ini. Mungkin apa yang saya tulis ini, sekadar skop yang kecil. Maka untuk ada yang sudah faham besar boleh fahamkan dengan skop yang lebih besar. Moga bermanfaat untuk anda! 

Jazakumullahu khayr :) 

Ramadhan.Mission.1439H

Ahlan ya Ramadhan :) 

Assalamualaikum and hello there! 

Another day to live means another blessing and another chance to get Allah's redha :) Alhamdulillah for everything and now I just wanna write something that I plan to and hopefully I can get this mission accomplished. *fingercrossed* 

Btw, I just wanna inform you guys that Alhamdulillah last Thursday I got an email saying that I was selected for a job position and I was soooo happy about it. It was like 2 or 3 days after I wrote my previous post about my status at that time. 

Alhamdulillah Allah always do this to me and to everyone right, testing you to see how would you react in this state. Are we going to return back to Him, asking Him for His help or we just going to opt for other way to solve it. To me, Allah only wants us to acknowledge Him that He is the Master, He is the Solver and we're just plain servant. Fullstop. Acknowledging that you're the servant and you surrender to it is the goal for this trial cause in everything that we do in this life has to be aligned with our purpose of life which is to be His servant, His 'abd. I mean, that's how it works in life, right?  

When I got the offer I was so confused. Do I proceed with it or not? Or do I go find another job? Thoughts just like dispersing all the way from every single angle of my brain. I was bewildered that I went back to Him asking for His guidance. I pray for Him to show me the right decision. 

And Alhamdulillah things just unfolded easily one by one. I received the offer and I am going to start this Thursday and if things going out well, I'll be doing Masters degree for this project insyaAllah. I will spend 2 years for this job and eventually I can see my timeline of my 2 years life ahead. 

There was this time I was whatsapp-ing with one of my akhawat, a much older and wiser than me with lots of experience in her life. I wish I can be brave and strong like her. I was telling her that of all these good things happened, I feel like I am not qualified for this. Like this is too much for me. Allah gave me so much to me but I dont think I did so much for the sake of Him. Rasa tak layak sangat. Huuu. We went muhasabah and agreed with it. 

So, guys and girls, Ramadhan is coming in about like 18 days. A good question to ask to ourselves is "Have we prepare anything about it?". If it's a yes, whoaa you're the best! If not, don't worry this is the perfect time to do it. Have a mission for your Ramadhan. It's a great opportunity to improve ourselves for the better and insyaAllah with the barakah of the month itself, it will be a blast!

#1 Have a mission

First thing first, have your mission! Put an aim whatever that you wanna achieve this Ramadhan. Me myself, I pick the hardest thing that I struggle with that I take this opportunity to push myself to get it done. Hafazan it is :) I aim to memorise 5 surahs (juz 29) from today till end of Ramadhan (hopefully!!!!)

#2 Plan out your mission

Take a tiny moment to think about it and plan it. Dont take too much time about and always make it into a realistic one! Please no ideal things in here cause we dont wanna feel bad about ourselves doing Ramadhan, pressuring ourselves thinking about the mission and regret about it. Ramadhan supposed to be a really good time to spent, having a really good positive vibe to improve ourselves. 

If you have the same mission as mine for Ramadhan, do check out the link : Memorise Juz 29 :)

#3 One word: Execute it!

This is like the real struggle, real pain, real deal of the mission to actually do it, make things work! This is the part that I always failed and I just hope things going well for my Ramadhan mission this year. There are a lot of unexpected things coming cause I have a new job and I'm gonna spend my life (after so many years in NZ) in Malaysia with my family. You know, you have so many commitments coming in just seconds of life. Talking about adulthood. How I hate it! huhuu

--

I guess that's about it. Pray the best for me that I can go through these challenges of my life in 2 years ahead. The most important thing that I pray in my life is I learn and capture as many gems of life as I can. To feel what Rasulullah, the prophets and sahabahs felt during their whole life of mission. To experience awesome things as a servant and daie of Him. 

Till then, Assalamualaikum and peace out!

Current.Status.

Assalamualaikum wbt

I believe no one reads my blog anymore. Well, I take that as positive thing cause I can spill whatever I feel right now at this moment of my life. 

It's already 2 months since I came back home in Malaysia, trying to find a job and build a stable single life. Alhamdulillah in terms of dnt, I got a chance to join an usrah group in Shah Alam and I'm thinking to settle there maybe just for a while before I got into my second phase of life. 

This jobseeking phase is really depressing. I dont know why but one of my usrahmates got job really easy. She was doing intern last 3 months and then she got the other job in the different part of Malaysia and right now she's working. I feel like wow thing was just so easy for her. 

Now, my plan is to find a job as Research Assistant in Shah Alam area to pursue Masters degree then maybe end up as a Research Officer or a Lecturer. I am totally happy if I can get a chance to involve in any research in Microbiology especially if it has something to do with the environment. I tried emailing UITM lecturers in this area of interest but no reply. One lecturer from Monash. Multiple applications for RA in UM. But still none. 

On the other hand, I have already applied 15+ positions in Jobstreet but it doesn't come out good. I still got no response. Last week, I got an interview alhamdulillah as a RA in UM but not in my area of interest. I just went to the interview to brush up my interview skills. The interview was good. I managed to answer all the questions but I can see their biggest concern is I have interest in something which is not related to the project. It got me thinking that maybe I should focus on finding RA position in my area of interest. But then again, the conflict would be in order for me to be in Shah Alam, there are only 3 universities that I can work with. I tried to find other researches in microbiology but most of them are in Gombak, KL, Serdang which is I dont think so. My priority is my dnt. The first thing that I need to prioritise is my iman. I need to be stable first in my iman aspect. Sometimes I had a conflict with it. You know, why don't you just go ask the other places and prioritise your passion but I need to be stick and stones, only in Shah Alam area or PJ. That's it. I am more passionate in my dnt. Yes!

I can say I am depressed right now. Whenever I open the job-seeking webpages, I can feel this emotion comes and engulf the whole me. There are times I randomly cried when I think about it. I guess maybe in one day, I cried like 2-3 times. It is always happen when I am alone. It was so frustrating to think that I haven't managed to get myself a job and go get a stable life in my preferred area. Just to think about it alone, it's just killing me inside. 

To add the negatives more is when the time I need the support the most, no one is there for me. I have this one friend of mine that I always go to whenever I feel depressed. But now, she's maybe busy and she is far away from me that she cannot really see my struggle. I always give her nice words and support just to make myself stronger. It would be a lie if I say I'm not waiting for her response back to give me some support and care but yeah, she doesn't do that as often than I am. I guess maybe Allah makes things like this just to make me more depend on Him and learn to grow stronger not by receiving the support but by giving them. 

To be honest, it is hard to learn this thing cause at the time you face difficulties you somehow need love, care and support the most. What happened to me was the depressive times happen everyday that I need something to support myself everyday. Whenever I don't get it, it feels so painful and stress that what you want is not happening to you. It makes me feel like I'm such a loser, not getting anything that I aim for. 

*breathing slowly*

I need to empower myself cause the person I hope on the most don't really feel sensitive of what I need. (Don't take it wrong, my best friend is really nice. It's not her fault. It's just me that constantly need support that she cannot afford to due to her business) I need to be more positive and more optimistic of what happened. Maybe the fact that I am alone with myself and engaging with this problem everyday got me into this depressed state. 

I was hoping if my friend can understand what I feel right now and give me some supports, that would be nice. But, it's not happening now and you cannot force people right. They do when they feel like they wanna do it. I already did on my behalf. It's up to the other side. 

I just need to always remind myself whatever happen, there is always Allah with me. He is always there for me despite people that I hoped for don't really do. Or maybe I don't really realise it due to my condition now. I know people who loved me always pray the best for me. And I wanna keep on being positive of me despite of how hard the struggle is to be positive. It's really easy to drop yourself in that depressing pitch black state but I don't want myself in it so I struggle to keep myself back on my feet without any physical care, love and support. 

If you happen to read this, please do not post any negative comments cause you're not helping when you do that. Please show some love and support if you want to. If you happen to be a Muslim when you read this, say Alhamdulillah for your life right now. Please pray for me. 

Thanks. Jazakumullahu khayr. 

My.Favorite.Ayat

وَلَقَدْ أَرْسَلْنَا إِلَىٰ أُمَمٍ مِّن قَبْلِكَ فَأَخَذْنَاهُم بِالْبَأْسَاءِ وَالضَّرَّاءِ لَعَلَّهُمْ يَتَضَرَّعُونَ

6:42

We always want to be happy. To feel people that we love
always there for us, giving us thoughts that say
we are important. So on and so forth.

But what happen when things doesn't go our way?

Do we feel sad?

This ayat tells us that whatever painful things
that happened in our life is to make us feel humble.
To make us feel we are 'abd. You cant control them.
You can take power over them.

The last thing would be you have to admit
that you just a powerless creature.
Whatever happen in this World is by His permission.

After you admit and surrender to that statement,
then you feel all the miracles happen in your life.

Anyways, do not always think about yourself.
Think big, man. Your ummah is out there suffering
and you just crying over this emotional petty thing.

---

For my beloved ones,

jazakumullahu khayr for everything.