He.is.always.there

Just remember Bella, jatuh teruk macamana pun, berdosa macamana pun, asal kau tak mensyirikkan Allah, pergi pada Dia, minta ampun pada Dia, taubat. He loves you dearly and always there for you.

love,

guilty bella

plymouth

Of.another.self-searching

Assalamualaikum wbt and hi!

It's been three weeks now since I landed on this British land. Time passes and I have been in so many conditions and emotions. Most of the time I'm all alone and I do feel lonely. You know when you're the only Muslim girl in this area and whenever you walk you only find non-muslims most of the time and you feel you're so different and not belong to the place. 

Sometimes you get warm smiles, sometimes you don't. But that's okay. However, the very bad time is when you get a bad vibe. You can feel it. Just now, I was walking in front of this guy who was talking on the phone and he looked at me with nothing. I just kept on walking in front of him and when I was literally in front of him, I can hear him spitting and it sounds like that spit is very close to me. 

My feeling? Oh gosh, don't ever ask. It makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like my self-esteem is going very very low. I feel dishonoured and unappreciated. This is adding up from what happened 2 days ago, some appointed people in the organisation where I worked, decided not to keep the first aid room as my prayer room anymore. My supervisors in the UK had already make an arrangement to have a room for me to pray since 2 months but out of sudden, it changed this week. My supervisor was really frustrated. They decided to make the room for storing things instead of having pray inside. I mean, I was okay in the first place but after a while, it got me thinking that they prioritised things over me, the human. Funny, right?

I feel like am I lesser than things. Or my prayer is not your priority since you're not Muslim, aren't you? I had enough of the prejudice that I received from your immigration officer when I was arrived in Heathrow and having these stuffs happened to me makes me feel even sad. 

But alhamdulillah I still manage to motivate myself everyday. I think about Maryam, Asiah, Muadz bin Jabal, all the companions that are alone by themselves in a foreign place. I feel a very huge respect to them for succeeding of going through their journey all their lives. I mean I just being alone here for almost 3 weeks and I'm already started to feel this bad. How even they survive?

Let me search the answer later. I mean, I do have some answers from my ukht but I don't feel it yet. I think I have to work on it first. After I got it and did it, then I'll write it down here in this blog. 

Well, thank you very much for reading this.

Jazakumullahu khayr. 

See you later!

Leaving.To.UK

Im currently on my flight to UK rite now, heading to Plymouth for my work & training there.

Up to this current moment, I don't have any excitement inside of me. People around me who are actually excited when they know the news. But I'm not. I feel nothing.

Maybe the ultimate reason is the place itself, there is none akhawat there. Very few muslims I suppose and no dnt to help there. I'm going to be surviving my iman alone there. I feel like 3 months can be really long and things could change in this period of time and I hope it's a great change for me as in my iman & contribution to the ummah.

I felt unhappy leaving Malaysia, because number one, I feel I'm like not really helping any dnt at any place. Im not helping in direct way. More in terms of indirect way. Second, I'm not going to the UK for touring/visiting. I'm going there for work. I expect more work to do, more focus, conduct presentation in conference for the first time and many more first time, I guess.

Back when I was staying in New Zealand, I love coming to NZ because I have so many akhawat there. We take care each other, specifically our iman & tarbiyah together. So, worry not about it and really enjoy your time with all the reflections, sharings and tadabburs from my lovely sisters. Everywhere you go, I feel excited and calm when I have my akhawat with me.

But now, going to UK alone (actually it's with my colleague who is super nice and very happy with her but still, it feels different cause I cannot depend on her for my iman & dnt.)

I strongly feels that there are very solid reasons why Allah sends me to UK now at this specific time and place. I believe He is the greatest planner and He knows the best. I just hope for the best and I will certainly have my own goals and objectives for my stay there.

Here's list of it;

1. To know more about muslims in Plymouth & their conditions and also the UK itself.

2. To make notes and finished full revision of these; arabic with Husna & muntalaq. Maybe I can master these two aye? But if there's any literal arabic class that I can join, that'll be great!

3. To maintain my prayer-on-time, tilawah, mathurat, fasting (I'll try my best >~<), reading and learning.

4. To discipline myself. No lalai watching youtube videos for so long and nothing is progressing. Give 100% in work & also tiptop in dnt.

5. To always catch up with dnt esp in ipoh. Well prepared for usrah and make a blog for anak usrah to refer and spill out.

6. To always surround myself with good islamic & iman-lifting video of great people like aidaazlin, NAK and others.

And that's it for now..

After a while of reflecting on this event of my life, I think Allah wants me to make me stronger. He is going to test me am I able to survive if I am placed in islamically-remote area. I remember vividly I said we have to understand 3T so that if you were tercampak in any place, u can still do your dakwah. Maybe that's the purpose of me coming here. To practice this 3T. Huuu.

Okay, I think I have to accept that maybe it is. And it's not that easyyy. Very challenging but I can try bit by bit. I just hope I can work this well. Let's see later of how it goes. I just hope I changed for the betterment of ummah insyaAllahhh.

Ya Allah, help me and always make me in a very good iman. Love me always and take me closer and closer to You day by day. May Allah ease everything and I can get the best out of this stay. Aminn ya rabb.

Till then, 

Assalamualaikum wbt.