For.those.murabbies.out.there.

Assalamualaikum wbt

Hi everyone. It's me again, writing as a way to heal my inside.

It's nearly December now. I've been back for good since last March - so total up would be 9 months. Since my bfg, I have my bfg circle that I tried to cater all these lovely sisters that were bfg-ed the same year as mine. We had our circle went on online cause everyone literally spread across Malaysia and none of us were close in distance. We had a few jaulahs together - to Penang and Kedah twice. 

So, in September I told everyone in the liqa' to find their own usrah in their own place so that all of us can focus on contributing more in dakwah at our own very place. And it's not that easy for everyone as everyone has their own struggle that they face even until now. Some of them has usrah dan dakwah work to do, some just are having usrah only and unfortunately some are still waiting. May Allah take care all of you, my dear akhawat. 

Me in this side of the world, alhamdulillah already in the waqi'. Trying hard to understand the waqi', get along with the new and old akhawats and the most hardest part is to remember everyone's single name - OMG it's really hard! I ended up asking their name every time I met them and they're doing the same thing as well. HAHA. Alhamdulillah I'm blessed that Allah still put me in the place that really need people to work for dakwah and tarbiyah. Every week, every month, there will be so many things to plan, discuss, finalise, work and to conduct it. 

I am currently consider myself as a RUNNER whereby I help akhawat who work on this particular katibah and also my busy HO usrati for her anak-anak usrah. Still, to this very time, I haven't had any legit anak usrah. I do have known these few adiks from my university and we did have sharing a few times but still I don't really focus on them either as I put my energy a lot on these two things I said earlier. However, not having a legit usrah is really a missing piece inside of me. 

For those murabbies out there who might be having a severe breakdown with your anak-anak usrah, I would say take a few moments to pause and say alhamdulillah. I can say I'm literally feeling like I miss something or I am lonely partly because of this. Not staying with akhawat and not having anak usrah are really like a nightmare to me. It's going to make me feel way and way more lonely by myself. 

Whenever I saw these students in musolla that I pray every single and I look at their behave, I'm like, "There are so many things to do, yet you even don't have an usrah to work on it." It's such a painful reflection. 

I hope I can contribute more and more for the betterment of this ummah, not by conducting a public communal program with society cause everyone else do that. But by tarbiyah, nuturing the soul deep down inside with pure understanding and knowledge of Islam. 

I miss it so much. Especially when you're seeing everyone surrounds are very busy with their dnt stuffs but not you. 

Pray a lot for me. Thanks for reading.

Anas bin Malik al-Ansari

Menjadi impian aku utk sentiasa melakukan sesuatu yang bermanfaat utk dakwah dan tarbiyah seperti para sahabat dan para syahidin, seluruh hidupnya hanya kerana Allah. Maka menjadi niat aku untuk menghabiskan masa transisi aku di rumah utk menulis Ibrah dari kisah para sahabat dan bagaimana kisah mereka sangat dekat  dgn kehidupan kita sbg manusia dan daie. 

Aku tidak akan tuliskan riwayat hidupnya kerana banyak orang sudah menulisnya. Google sahaja, surely you can find it. Sumber aku : Buku 65 Gambaran Kehidupan Sahabat (Dr. Abdul Rahman Ra'fat al-Basha)

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Keberkesanan 10 tahun tarbiyah

Ummu Salamah membuat keputusan yang sangat tepat bilamana dia telah menginfakkan anaknya utk berkhidmat kpd Rasulullah. Mana tidaknya, beliau telah meletakkan anaknya di sebuah 'sekolah tarbiyah' yang terhebat -- menerima tarbiyah drpd Rasulullah sendiri! Jika kita lihat riwayat hidupnya, selama 10 tahun hidup bersama Rasulullah dan menerima tarbiyah di setiap saat, setiap sudut dalam hidupnya dalam 10 tahun tersebut. Tarbiyah 10 tahun itu 'membekas' sehingga akhir hayat Anas bin Malik yang berumur 103 tahun. Tarbiyah 10 tahun boleh memberi bekal utk dia berjuang sehabis baik 90 tahun kedepan.

Memberi refleksi kpd kita, apa berapa tahun kita ditarbiyah dan mentarbiyah ini memberi kesan yang lama atau hanya 10 minit selepas habisnya wasilah tarbiyah? Atau sesudahnya habis terus hilang semangat naiknya iman itu lalu tidak memberi kesan? (Naudzubillah) 

Kuncinya terletak kpd diri kita yang memberi dan menerima tarbiyah ini. Adakah sekuat Rasulullah atau Anas bin Malik yang sentiasa menjaga hubungan dgn Allah dan sentiasa memberi kebaikan kpd orang lain. Tepuk dada, tanya iman. 

Sentuhan murabbi hebat

Jika kita telusuri kisah Anas bin Malik, kita akan dapat lihat sahabat ini seorang yang sangat tarbiyah bil-hal. Apa itu tarbiyah bil-hal? Tarbiyah berdasarkan apa yang berlaku atau pengalaman/memori. Antaranya sentuhan Rasulullah yang dia paling ingat adalah; 

1. Panggilan Unais (little Anas) padanya

2. Kisah dia terlupa tugasannya dan Rasulullah bertanya kepadanya tetapi tidak memarahinya

3. 2 hari yang paling diingati 

      - Hari Rasulullah tiba di Madinah 

      - Hari Rasulullah wafat 

Sentuhan murabbi itu bukan hanya pada percakapannya yang lantang atau fakta-faktanya yang canggih dan mengagumkan. Tetapi kunci kita adalah sentuhan hati. Maka ada mad'u yang lebih belajar daripada qudwah kita, kata-kata informal/di luar liqa' dan perbuatan kita dalam seharian. Malah diri ini juga sama seperti Anas, sangat terkesan pada qudwah dan kesabaran seorang murabbi. 

Lihat saja kisah-kisah Sentuhan al-Akh karya Inspektor Saahab maka kita akan belajar betapa tindakan dan percakapan kita di luar wasilah tarbiyah sangat memberi kesan kepada seorang yang tsiqah/hormat dengan kita. 

Hebatnya sentuhan-sentuhan tersebut berbekas dalam hidupnya sehingga Anas menjadi orang ketiga yang paling banyak meriwayatkan hadis selepas Abu Hurairah dan Abdullah bin Umar!

Kekuatan Doa 

Rasulullah sentiasa mendoakan yang terbaik utk para sahabat Baginda termasuklah Anas sendiri. Antara doa yang diucapkan untuk Anas adalah; 

"Ya Allah, kurniakanlah kepadanya harta dan anak. Berkatilah dia." 

Justeru, Anas di akhir hayatnya adalah seorang hartawan dan punya keturunan yang ramai. Anak dan cucunya melebihi 100 orang. Whoa! Betapa Allah memperkenankan doa Rasulullah! 

Apa yang kita boleh pelajari di sini ialah peri pentingnya doa seorang murabbi. Sentiasa mendoakan kejayaan para mutarabbinya. Teringat kata-kata seorang kakak sewaktu awal aku mahu menjadi murabbi, 

"Kalau boleh setiap kali kita berdoa selepas solat, bayangkan setiap muka mutarabbi kita dan berdoa yang terbaik untuknya." 

MasyaAllah, murabbi itu sangat banyak berusaha untuk mutarabbinya. Bukan sahaja perlu bersabar dgn kerenah mereka, terlebih dahulu perlu memahami diri setiap mutarabbi dan diperlukan jugak utk berdoa untuk kejayaan hidup dunia akhirat dan dikeluarkan sisi rijal dalam dirinya. 

Apa ada kita mendoakan murabbi dan mutarabbi kita? (Huhu. Tembak diri sendiri) 

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That's it! Jika ada sebarang tambahan ibrah, boleh add on the comment below! Jazakumullahu khayr :)

A.Note.To.Myself.

"Happiness is actually the means, not the destination but the vehicle. It’s a way to live throughout life.

If happiness is about achieving things such as fame and money then why aren’t the rich and famous happy?

So what is it? The definition of happiness given by Allah and the Messenger is this: “Every organ in our body is going to be satisfied in a specific way, the stomach by food, the ears by listening to pleasing sounds, the eyes by looking at something beautiful”. The heart is created in a way that it can only be filled with something that goes inline with the nature of the heart.

The heart was created by Allah for Allah."

(taken from here)

As a normal human being, we grew up and faced a lot obstacles in this life. Each trial that we've gone through was super hard that we cannot bear it on ourselves. Particularly, as a woman/girl, there is the need to express the feelings and emotion and looking for support to face the challenges. Those who keep it to themselves and not pour it out in even a single way (you can express it through arts etc., not just via speech) can be a ticking bomb to themselves, waiting to explode and fear that it will be something damaging or lethal. 

So, based on my life, these challenges were bearable for me to face and I have an enough bravery to go through this is due to (one of) what Allah blessed me with; great friends and particularly a best friend. She is the one whenever I feel sad or I feel the need to pour out, I'll definitely came to (be it face-to-face, voice note, messages or emails). She was a really great friend where I found comfort, supports and bravery to do whatever I have to do. She always there to help me where I needed a help (be it earlier or later). I feel so blessed and happy whenever I'm with her (hanging out or talking to her or just be there with her).

But somehow, things are going a little bit deviate where I totally focus on the happiness and I equal the happiness with her presence. Whenever there is no presence of her (in terms of physical/virtual/messages), I feel like I'm not happy or I feel like I'm not loved at all. I feel like she is the only person who care about me so when she is not there, I feel like no one cares for me at all. To the extent that I associate happiness with her which deep inside I can feel that this is not right. I don't feel content and happy in a pure way. I always uneasy and always hoping for my best friend's text messages. I know she feels that what I feel about this friendship is not purely right. She only responds to the one that she feels that she need to respond or care for and I know she did that because she doesn't want me to get attached to her. There are also times where she will spontaneously speak out advice for me that I, hundred percent, admit that she is right about how I should feel with her and the friendship. She knows how to give reminders and deep down inside I know she is right and I accept it slowly. 

Just like what Yasmin Mogahed said in the above statement, happiness is a mean, not our aim. In my case, my best friend is a mean, not what I seek for and not my aim. It's hard but I admit she is not what I need the most even though all the things that I favour (love, care, support and strength) for I can find it in her but I totally forgot that I found it cause Allah permits it for me to find in her. Allah can take her out from my life or even diminish the things that I favour in her from her. It is possible that may be in the future or soon, I will no longer found love, care, support and strength from her. And if I still get attached to her, I will be broken to the max with myself. 

Little did I try to see and feel that she is not the only one that I can find all the things that I favour. There are many other people who are actually love, care, support and strengthen me that I purposely forget to see and admit it. I know and I want to change myself before I'll allow myself to be broken. To be broken for I depend on the wrong thing. Heart is solely made for Allah. Did I do justice to my heart? I think I need to work more in this. 

I am still struggling with this. I'm not done with this trial yet. But it takes courage and firstly, need to admit that this is utterly wrong and I need to make a change. My heart is solely for Allah and this false attachment is not good. My best friend is not guilty. She did her job, reminding and acted what she needs to. It's me that needs to do the job and alhamdulillah despite of this injustice that I did to Allah, He still bless me with this friendship and all I need to do is purify this friendship for the sake of Allah. 

That's all for now. Pray hard for me. 

Thanks. 

x

A.Divine.Remedy.for.the.messed.up

People are made very reactionary. Whatever happened we have this quick response like a knee-jerk response to everything. The quick involuntary reaction has both the positive and negative side of it. The positive side that it saves us from damage/injury such as our finger is accidentally touch fire, we immediately took our finger away. The bad side is we easily get angry, irritating, less patience, emotionally react and maybe to the extent of giving up with life. However, the body are also made that it can achieve another level by putting it into practice. For example, when a boxer practices hard to receive tonnes of punches that the boxer immune to it. Or it can be an adult who has more experience in tolerating and being patience to tantrum kids than a younger teenager. 

Hence, in this surah al-Maarij, Allah gave us solution or remedy to control our 'negative side of reactionary' which is solat/prayer. Constant prayers will train to become more patience and emotionally aware/stable to control our senses. Because in prayer, we actually meeting the Most High and Powerful. So, you train yourself to give the most highest priority focusing to Allah. Like when you're having an important interview, you'll totally put 100% of your focus to your interviewer. If there's a call coming in, you'll leave it for later etc. Same goes to prayer, it teaches us to focus of the most priority ones, ignoring the intrusion of other things that are less important. 

This is how it teaches us in life as well. When something happened in our life, we tend to get very reactionary and emotional immediately. You have all these negative coming at you and influencing to do sth stupid just to make you feel relief. But training in focus the most important ie your prayers will make you to relax back and think again, actually what is the most important to do now. What are the most priority thing to handle first. You can get clear view of what's happening now rather than having a messed-up thinking of your life. More aware and mature looking at your problems in life and also relating back consciously of this thing happened due to Allah's plan. And we know He is the best planner and he always gives the best for us. So we don't get overreaction but we try solve it wisely.

So the big question is how actually our prayer going? Are we having the 100% percent/khusyu' that we are meeting Allah, the Most High Powerful? I need to fix this very much! T_T

That's for now! Thank you. 

no.more.lejen.

When all your hopes are gone 

When all the things you wanna do are flushed away 

Like a fire burning spirit slowly getting mild and milder away

No one really care about you 

how you feel

They only care what they want for you

They seek more and more from you

leaving you with nothing but broken self. 

Oh Allah

For nothing that I have now

I think I'm falling down

One last pray from me

Please catch me when I fall. 

need.your.prayers.

Salam there,

Currently, I am having a roller coaster in life. Life is generally okay. I mean, I'm doing really bad. I have a job, I know what I wanna do, I have people who love me around me. But, things doesn't really go with I want it to be.

I always pray to Allah to make things ease for me. Yet, maybe it's still not happen cause I haven't done my part the best that I have to do. It's really stressed me up thinking about all of these. You know, when you have to start again from all the way from the beginning.

You're no longer living in RI
You're no longer have your strongest support system with you
You're no longer in that biah solehah and dakwiyah
Your current usrahmates don't really understand you yeah cause you don't really blend well with your waqi' due to your kekangan of making time with them (I can't really blame them cause it's me who makes it like that)
You don't know what happen with your life in the future (single/married life. being adult is just so hard)
You envision how you caught up with your life when looking at your master's prediction


O Allah
grant me a serenity and contentment
like how you used to give me

I really miss back in the days that everything seemed really hard but I feel you're there beside me.

O how hard life it is right now.
Even the person who you rely on the most have their own problem that you don't want to burden them.

Kegagalan.Tarbiyah.

Memang lumrahnya pada mulanya kita memasuki alam pentarbiyahan semuanya seperti syurga! Yelah, mana taknya kan, murabbi selalu ada dengan kita, tolong kita bila kita susah, masakkan untuk kita, main sport dgn kita, nasihati kita, teman seusrah pun satu kepala. Macam syurgalah kiranya! Hee. 

Tapikan menariknya dalam buku “Sudahkah Kita Tarbiyah” oleh Eko Novianto ini, penulis suruh kita muhasabah, check balik, adakah kita ini mengalami kegagalan dalam tarbiyah? Mungkin saja kita rasa kita dalam tarbiyah, tapi anggapan kita itu benar? 

Jadi, mari mulakan muhasabah kita, yosh!!

#1 Kita sebenarnya gagal dalam tarbiyah, bila kita pandang TARBIYAH SEBAGAI ‘TRANSFER MATERIAL’ SEMATA!

Bila mana kita rasa dah dapat pengisian itu sebagai tanda kita sudah ditarbiyah, no no no. Cuba kita check balik. Adakah betul-betul kita faham pengisian tersebut? Dan yang paling penting, adakah sudah kita amalkannya??? These are the things that we need to focus on! Selalukan bila kita pergi program atau usrah, tengok-tengok apa yang muwajih atau murabbi ini bagi bahan yang kita dah pernah dapat, terus kita macam “haihhh, dah dapat dah bahan ni. Takde bahan lain ke?” Kita terus shut down. Tak boleh macam ini. Mungkin saja bila kita dapat bahan kali kedua, ketiga, keempat malah ada yang sudah mendengar pengisian yang sama untuk kali ke-sepuluh pun, mesti ada benda baru yang dia belajar! (Bila dah dapat 10 kali tapi takleh jadi muwajih lagi untuk bahan tu, memang nak kena ni..hahaha). Apatah lagi, muhasabah untuk diri ini, suka bila Nouman Ali Khan kata dalam videonya, ayat-ayat AlQuran yang kita selalu ulang itu tak pernah kita akan bosan. Bila mana kita jumpa ayat itu balik, mesti ada benda baru yang kita belajar. *headshot* 

#2 Kita sebenarnya gagal dalam tarbiyah, bila kita rasa MURABBI ADALAH SEGALANYA BAGI MAD’U!

Menanggap murabbilah yang paling hebat dan kita takleh jadi hebat lagi daripada murabbi kita adalah salah satu kesalahfahaman besar dalam tarbiyah. Yang diperlukan oleh seorang murabbi sebenarnya adalah tsiqah (kepercayaan) daripada sang mad'u bukannya kehebatan. Malah seorang murabbi yang hebat bila dia menginginkan anak usrah menjadi lebih supersaiya dari dia! Kita ini bukan macam dalam cerita belajar ilmu ‘martial arts’, belajar dengan tok guru sampai satu tahap tok guru takkan ajar dah sebab dia mesti ada satu ilmu yang dia kena rahsiakan supaya lagi lemah dari dia. (Saya pun tak tahu sebenarnya realiti ke tak benda ni atau sekadar cerita sahaja..hurm). Pemahaman sebegini hanyalah membantutkan lagi potensi mutarabbi mejadi supersaiya, percayalah!

#3 Kita sebenarnya gagal dalam tarbiyah, bila kita rasa TARBIYAH HANYALAH PROSES INDOKTRINASI DAN DOMINASI

"Kita brainwash saja adik-adik ni!!”

Whooaa whoaa murabbi mana yang cakap macam ni? Mungkin saya. Hahaha. Takdelah bai. 

Berbalik kepada fakta nombor tiga ini, tarbiyah bukanlah sekadar nak mem-brainwash-kan manusia. Kita mendidik mutarabbi/manusia sehingga mereka dapat rasa dan alami sendiri betapa nikmatnya hidup di bawah cinta Allah dan bayangan alquran. Erti hidup menjadi hamba. Segala keserabutan, kebosanan, kepayahan hidup hanyalah boleh diselesaikan bila mana kita betul-betul rasa kebersamaan Allah dalam hidup kita sama seperti lejen-lejen hebat seperti para anbiya’, para sahabat, tabi’in dan syuhada' dalam sejarah hidup manusia ini. Tarbiyah lebih dari itu!

#4 Kita sebenarnya gagal dalam tarbiyah, bila kita ingat TARBIYAH ITU HANYALAH DALAM SATU BENTUK YANG FORMAL SAHAJA!

Tarbiyah itu fun! Fun dalam bahasa inggeris dan fan dalam bahasa arab. (Bahasa melayu ada perkataan 'fan' ke? Takde kan..hehe) Fun dalam bahasa inggeris bermaksud seronok dan fan dalam bahasa arab bermaksud seni. Tarbiyah itu bukan sekadar duduk dalam bulatan dengar kakak/abang usrah cakap dan membebel tapi usrah itu konteks lebih luas! Usrah itu ada sisi bahannya yang menyentuh jiwa dan membersihkan 'kaca mata’ kita. Usrah itu ada sisi ukhuwah dan kebersamaan keluarganya. Usrah itu ada sisi takaful dan saling membantu. Usrah itu ada sisi main-main seronok jalan-jalan. Usrah itu ada sisi disiplin patuh arahan dan tepati masa dan banyak lagi! Usrah itu seghonokkk beronok-ronok! hahaha. Itu baru usrah, belum wasilah tarbiyah lain lagi. haaaa :)

#5 Kita sebenarnya gagal dalam tarbiyah, bila ADANYA PEMBINAAN 'KLON MURABBI’! 

Kita tahu dan faham betapa umat Islam ini sangat memerlukan rijal-rijal yang mantop lagi hebat. Sama seperti pada zaman Rasulullah, rijal-rijal yang Rasulullah berjaya didik terdiri daripada pelbagai individu dengan kekuatan tersendiri. Khalid bin Walid dengan logam perangnya, Abu Hurairah dengan logam ingatannya, Umar Al-Khattab dengan logam kepimpinannya, Abu Bakar dengan logam kefahamannya. Jadi, kalau pembinaan mutarabbi hanyalah sekadar nak copy paste apa yang murabbi lalui, hurmm tepuk dada tanya iman. Rasanya itu bukanlah caranya. Setiap orang itu Allah jadikan penuh dengan potensi yang bermacam-macam untuk membina umat Islam jadi kenapa mahu ‘cloning’ bhaa? 

Alright sudah habis celotehan saya dengan muhasabah kegagalan tarbiyah ini. Mungkin apa yang saya tulis ini, sekadar skop yang kecil. Maka untuk ada yang sudah faham besar boleh fahamkan dengan skop yang lebih besar. Moga bermanfaat untuk anda! 

Jazakumullahu khayr :) 

Ramadhan.Mission.1439H

Ahlan ya Ramadhan :) 

Assalamualaikum and hello there! 

Another day to live means another blessing and another chance to get Allah's redha :) Alhamdulillah for everything and now I just wanna write something that I plan to and hopefully I can get this mission accomplished. *fingercrossed* 

Btw, I just wanna inform you guys that Alhamdulillah last Thursday I got an email saying that I was selected for a job position and I was soooo happy about it. It was like 2 or 3 days after I wrote my previous post about my status at that time. 

Alhamdulillah Allah always do this to me and to everyone right, testing you to see how would you react in this state. Are we going to return back to Him, asking Him for His help or we just going to opt for other way to solve it. To me, Allah only wants us to acknowledge Him that He is the Master, He is the Solver and we're just plain servant. Fullstop. Acknowledging that you're the servant and you surrender to it is the goal for this trial cause in everything that we do in this life has to be aligned with our purpose of life which is to be His servant, His 'abd. I mean, that's how it works in life, right?  

When I got the offer I was so confused. Do I proceed with it or not? Or do I go find another job? Thoughts just like dispersing all the way from every single angle of my brain. I was bewildered that I went back to Him asking for His guidance. I pray for Him to show me the right decision. 

And Alhamdulillah things just unfolded easily one by one. I received the offer and I am going to start this Thursday and if things going out well, I'll be doing Masters degree for this project insyaAllah. I will spend 2 years for this job and eventually I can see my timeline of my 2 years life ahead. 

There was this time I was whatsapp-ing with one of my akhawat, a much older and wiser than me with lots of experience in her life. I wish I can be brave and strong like her. I was telling her that of all these good things happened, I feel like I am not qualified for this. Like this is too much for me. Allah gave me so much to me but I dont think I did so much for the sake of Him. Rasa tak layak sangat. Huuu. We went muhasabah and agreed with it. 

So, guys and girls, Ramadhan is coming in about like 18 days. A good question to ask to ourselves is "Have we prepare anything about it?". If it's a yes, whoaa you're the best! If not, don't worry this is the perfect time to do it. Have a mission for your Ramadhan. It's a great opportunity to improve ourselves for the better and insyaAllah with the barakah of the month itself, it will be a blast!

#1 Have a mission

First thing first, have your mission! Put an aim whatever that you wanna achieve this Ramadhan. Me myself, I pick the hardest thing that I struggle with that I take this opportunity to push myself to get it done. Hafazan it is :) I aim to memorise 5 surahs (juz 29) from today till end of Ramadhan (hopefully!!!!)

#2 Plan out your mission

Take a tiny moment to think about it and plan it. Dont take too much time about and always make it into a realistic one! Please no ideal things in here cause we dont wanna feel bad about ourselves doing Ramadhan, pressuring ourselves thinking about the mission and regret about it. Ramadhan supposed to be a really good time to spent, having a really good positive vibe to improve ourselves. 

If you have the same mission as mine for Ramadhan, do check out the link : Memorise Juz 29 :)

#3 One word: Execute it!

This is like the real struggle, real pain, real deal of the mission to actually do it, make things work! This is the part that I always failed and I just hope things going well for my Ramadhan mission this year. There are a lot of unexpected things coming cause I have a new job and I'm gonna spend my life (after so many years in NZ) in Malaysia with my family. You know, you have so many commitments coming in just seconds of life. Talking about adulthood. How I hate it! huhuu

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I guess that's about it. Pray the best for me that I can go through these challenges of my life in 2 years ahead. The most important thing that I pray in my life is I learn and capture as many gems of life as I can. To feel what Rasulullah, the prophets and sahabahs felt during their whole life of mission. To experience awesome things as a servant and daie of Him. 

Till then, Assalamualaikum and peace out!

Current.Status.

Assalamualaikum wbt

I believe no one reads my blog anymore. Well, I take that as positive thing cause I can spill whatever I feel right now at this moment of my life. 

It's already 2 months since I came back home in Malaysia, trying to find a job and build a stable single life. Alhamdulillah in terms of dnt, I got a chance to join an usrah group in Shah Alam and I'm thinking to settle there maybe just for a while before I got into my second phase of life. 

This jobseeking phase is really depressing. I dont know why but one of my usrahmates got job really easy. She was doing intern last 3 months and then she got the other job in the different part of Malaysia and right now she's working. I feel like wow thing was just so easy for her. 

Now, my plan is to find a job as Research Assistant in Shah Alam area to pursue Masters degree then maybe end up as a Research Officer or a Lecturer. I am totally happy if I can get a chance to involve in any research in Microbiology especially if it has something to do with the environment. I tried emailing UITM lecturers in this area of interest but no reply. One lecturer from Monash. Multiple applications for RA in UM. But still none. 

On the other hand, I have already applied 15+ positions in Jobstreet but it doesn't come out good. I still got no response. Last week, I got an interview alhamdulillah as a RA in UM but not in my area of interest. I just went to the interview to brush up my interview skills. The interview was good. I managed to answer all the questions but I can see their biggest concern is I have interest in something which is not related to the project. It got me thinking that maybe I should focus on finding RA position in my area of interest. But then again, the conflict would be in order for me to be in Shah Alam, there are only 3 universities that I can work with. I tried to find other researches in microbiology but most of them are in Gombak, KL, Serdang which is I dont think so. My priority is my dnt. The first thing that I need to prioritise is my iman. I need to be stable first in my iman aspect. Sometimes I had a conflict with it. You know, why don't you just go ask the other places and prioritise your passion but I need to be stick and stones, only in Shah Alam area or PJ. That's it. I am more passionate in my dnt. Yes!

I can say I am depressed right now. Whenever I open the job-seeking webpages, I can feel this emotion comes and engulf the whole me. There are times I randomly cried when I think about it. I guess maybe in one day, I cried like 2-3 times. It is always happen when I am alone. It was so frustrating to think that I haven't managed to get myself a job and go get a stable life in my preferred area. Just to think about it alone, it's just killing me inside. 

To add the negatives more is when the time I need the support the most, no one is there for me. I have this one friend of mine that I always go to whenever I feel depressed. But now, she's maybe busy and she is far away from me that she cannot really see my struggle. I always give her nice words and support just to make myself stronger. It would be a lie if I say I'm not waiting for her response back to give me some support and care but yeah, she doesn't do that as often than I am. I guess maybe Allah makes things like this just to make me more depend on Him and learn to grow stronger not by receiving the support but by giving them. 

To be honest, it is hard to learn this thing cause at the time you face difficulties you somehow need love, care and support the most. What happened to me was the depressive times happen everyday that I need something to support myself everyday. Whenever I don't get it, it feels so painful and stress that what you want is not happening to you. It makes me feel like I'm such a loser, not getting anything that I aim for. 

*breathing slowly*

I need to empower myself cause the person I hope on the most don't really feel sensitive of what I need. (Don't take it wrong, my best friend is really nice. It's not her fault. It's just me that constantly need support that she cannot afford to due to her business) I need to be more positive and more optimistic of what happened. Maybe the fact that I am alone with myself and engaging with this problem everyday got me into this depressed state. 

I was hoping if my friend can understand what I feel right now and give me some supports, that would be nice. But, it's not happening now and you cannot force people right. They do when they feel like they wanna do it. I already did on my behalf. It's up to the other side. 

I just need to always remind myself whatever happen, there is always Allah with me. He is always there for me despite people that I hoped for don't really do. Or maybe I don't really realise it due to my condition now. I know people who loved me always pray the best for me. And I wanna keep on being positive of me despite of how hard the struggle is to be positive. It's really easy to drop yourself in that depressing pitch black state but I don't want myself in it so I struggle to keep myself back on my feet without any physical care, love and support. 

If you happen to read this, please do not post any negative comments cause you're not helping when you do that. Please show some love and support if you want to. If you happen to be a Muslim when you read this, say Alhamdulillah for your life right now. Please pray for me. 

Thanks. Jazakumullahu khayr. 

My.Favorite.Ayat

وَلَقَدْ أَرْسَلْنَا إِلَىٰ أُمَمٍ مِّن قَبْلِكَ فَأَخَذْنَاهُم بِالْبَأْسَاءِ وَالضَّرَّاءِ لَعَلَّهُمْ يَتَضَرَّعُونَ

6:42

We always want to be happy. To feel people that we love
always there for us, giving us thoughts that say
we are important. So on and so forth.

But what happen when things doesn't go our way?

Do we feel sad?

This ayat tells us that whatever painful things
that happened in our life is to make us feel humble.
To make us feel we are 'abd. You cant control them.
You can take power over them.

The last thing would be you have to admit
that you just a powerless creature.
Whatever happen in this World is by His permission.

After you admit and surrender to that statement,
then you feel all the miracles happen in your life.

Anyways, do not always think about yourself.
Think big, man. Your ummah is out there suffering
and you just crying over this emotional petty thing.

---

For my beloved ones,

jazakumullahu khayr for everything.

Bintang.Malam.Setia.Seperti.Dirimu.

"Bintang malam setia seperti dirimu 

Tetap pudar menghilang tiada gantimu

Dan kumasih terasa degupan jantungmu 

Tanpamu kukan rapuh"

---

Dua hari lepas, aku balik dari Shah Alam pagi lepas usrah malamnya. Ayah pick-uped kat stesen tren kemudian drive dia terus ke tempat dia nak pergi, Bukit Jalil. Aku bawak balik kereta seorang diri ke rumah. Dalam kepala waktu hantar ayah tu dah fikir macam-macam. Nak beli itu ini kat Aeon Big sebab nak masak macam-macam. Haha. 

Lepas hantar ayah terus tak ingat handphone terus meluru ke Aeon Big dan bermacam-macam aku beli guna duit aku. Haha. Freedomm! Sejurus shopping selesai maka kembalilah aku ke rumah. Tengok-tengok phone ada 5 misscalleds, 2 whatsapp messages dan 2 text messages dari ayah dan mak aku. 

Dalam hati, "Alamak, matilah aku. Lupa nak update keberadaan diri. Huhu"

Memang tabiat aku bila keluar lupa nak bagitau dah sampai mana report kat mak ayah aku. Dibuatnya hari itu benda yang sama berlaku. Sorry ayah mama bila dah keluar kepala otak dah fokus dah nak buat kerja. Hehe. Sampai lupa mama ayah :P

So, terus call ayah aku, "Ayah, sorry tadi phone silent pastu lupa nak bagitau. Ni dah sampai rumah dah. Tadi along pi aeon big." 

Mulalah ayah aku membebel. Dari waktu aku call tu sampai ke malamnya. Hohoho. 

"Penat orang call tak angkat. Orang dok risau dah awat tak angkat call. Nak main golf pon payah. Takleh fokus", ngomel ayah aku. Aku hanya tersenyum kambing je kat dia. 

Tak sangka kan umur dah besar gabak, ayah mak aku masih lagi treat aku macam budak-budak tanya dah sampai ke belum. Update selalu. 

----

Hari tu aku bangun tidur. Tengok phone ada orang messaged. Orang jauh nun di new zealand sana. Dia bagilah kata-kata semangat sebab aku dok sedih cerita perasaan orang menganggur ini kat dia. Haha. Dapatlah satu hadiah; 

---

Apa sebenarnya point aku nak cerita ini? 

Selalukan kita rasa macam takde orang care pasal kita, bagi kita support dan kita rasa macam kita lalui kepayahan itu seorang diri. Percayalah kita tak pernah seorang diri. Allah itu sentiasa ada di sisi kita. Allah juga datangkan jiwa-jiwa yang sangat sayangkan kita, risaukan kita, doakan kita, nasihat kita. Merekalah bintang-bintang malam! Setia bersama kita menghadapi perjalanan hidup. 

Terkadang kita tengok orang lain, kita rasa macam whoa bestnya hidup dia! Cuba pause kejap, tengok keliling hidup kita. Punya banyak orang-orang yang menyayangi kita. Yes, mungkin diorang tak tunjuk care dan kasih sayang depan-depan. Tak letak gambar, tak letak caption sweet pada kita. Tapi cukuplah kita ambil masa dan cuba cari hidden message daripada kata-kata bebel diorang. Asian don't really say love but they show love! Action speaks louder than words. 

(tapi kadang-kadang kata-kata pun kena tunjuk gak. fair enough.)

Jom sama-sama selalu doakan kebahagiaan dunia akhirat buat mak ayah kita, adik-beradik yang kita selalu gaduh tu, kawan-kawan (akhawat) kita yang selalu kacau daun dalam hidup kita. Their actions speak love.

---

"Darimu kumengenal erti kekuatan

Hadirmu semua indah."

---

p/s: buat akhawat yang dirindui di sana. Selamat berprogram hari ni! 

Sesabar.Seorang.Murabbi

Fatimah masuk ke bilik study lalu rebah di depan meja studynya. Air mata ditahan, mulutnya tertutup rapat, matanya terpejam kuat menahan rasa pilu. 

"Ya Allah, kuatkan hati ini", pinta hati kecil Fatimah. Istighfar dikuatkan berulang-ulang kali. 

---

Bukan Fatimah tak biasa dengan asam-garam menjadi murabbi. Tapi setiap kali ujian datang hatinya pasti sakit. Cukup mencabar menjadi murabbi. Manakan tidak, hanya dia seorang yang senior di situ. Teman-teman seperjuangan sudah kembali ke medan realiti sebenar, meninggalkan dia seorang diri di bumi Kiwi bersama anak-anak buahnya. 

Apa yang berlaku kali ini adalah salah satu cabaran seorang murabbi dalam memahamkan anak-anak usrahnya kenapa perlu mengorbankan kesukaan diri daripada kesukaan diri demi untuk menyantuni adik-adik mad'u yang tercinta. Semasa meeting Jaulah tadi, masulah Jaulah bertanyakan aktiviti yang sesuai utk dilakukan bersama adik-adik tahun pertama di sana. Meeting disertai oleh Fatimah dan 5 orang anak-anak usrahnya. Mereka semua akan berjaulah (berjalan-jalan berisi) keliling pulau utara New Zealand selama 2 minggu cuti di situ. 

Aina, si Masulah (ketua projek Jaulah) bertanya, "Okay, utk aktiviti hari kedua kita main water rafting ye?" 

Insyi cuba memberi pandangan yang lain, "Tapi kan kita dah buat dah tahun lepas. Jomlah kita main benda lain." 

Aina menjawab lagi, "Hurm..Insyi, adik2 first year semua nak main water rafting sebab diorang semua tak pernah main. Bila tanya-tanya diorang, ramai jugak yang nak pergi." 

Seorang lagi ahli meeting, Tiqah cuba menambah, "Haah, bila tanya-tanya diorang, diorang ramai yang nak main water rafting. Tapi kan, saya pon tak nak main water rafting boleh tak? Tak cukup duitlah. Kita main benda yang lebih murah." 

Fatimah menarik nafas dan mengeluh. Kelihatan majoriti mereka ingin beraktiviti lain selain daripada water rafting. Padahal itulah tarikan utama Jaulah Pulau Utara, water rafting. Tidaklah berapa menakutkan seperti bungee jumping, agak affordable harganya dan aktivitinya beramai-ramai senang untuk menjalinkan ukhuwah dan bonding-bonding gituu. Hanya Aina sahaja yang ingin teruskan dengan aktiviti water rafting. 

Aina cuba untuk memberi rasional lagi kenapa perlu water rafting, "Akhawat, adik-adik semua nak main water rafting. Main water rafting kan best, lepas tu boleh bonding-bonding dgn adik. Kalau tak, macamana? Hilanglah peluang." 

"Ala Aina, kita main lah benda lain. Bungee jumping ke. Hahh, kita tak pernah buat lagi kan. Kalaulah sebab adik-adik tu, kita bagi je diorang main water rafting. Time diorang main water rafting, kita pergi tempat lain." Aina memang antara orang yang kuat bersuara dan boleh tahan hebat auranya. Anasir taghyir sangat tapi banyak benda yang perlu dibentuk lagi fikrahnya. 

Fatimah cuba bersabar dengan perjalanan meeting tersebut. Kelihatan Aina tidak tahu untuk menjawab apa-apa. Aina lantas memandang tepat kepada Fatimah, kakak murabbinya. Seakan pandangan memohon bantuan memanggil-manggil Fatimah untuk bersuara. Fatimah cuba untuk tersenyum dan memberi buah fikiran untuk anak-anak usrahnya. 

"Akhawat semua, akak rasa kita kena tengok balik hadaf (objektif) kita buat Jaulah ni. Kita nak buat jaulah untuk nak bina hubungan dengan adik-adik kan. Supaya bila diorang semua dah kamceng dengan kita, senanglah untuk kita cerita ttg Allah dan Islam pada mereka. Macam yang Aina dan Tiqah bagitau dan kita semua pun tahu, adik-adik first year ramai yang nak main water rafting kan, jadi lebih best kalau kita teruskan dengan aktiviti itu. Mungkin saja kalau kita tukar aktiviti lain, adik-adik akan buat jaulah mereka sendiri. Melepaslah peluang kita", terang Fatimah satu persatu. 

Anak-anak usrahnya semua tertunduk kelat. Muka mereka agak tak puas hati. Ada yang merengus perlahan tanda protes. Fatimah cuba bertahan dikuatkan hatinya untuk bersabar. Bukan senang untuk memahamkan mereka yang baru saja ingin bergerak di jalan dakwah ini. Mengajarkan mereka tentang prioriti dakwah itu yang penting berbanding kemahuan diri sendiri. Sehinggakan di masa depan nanti, mereka kena berkorban perasaan, jiwa dan harta hanya semata kerana dakwah. Ahh, banyak lagi yang mereka perlu belajar. 

---

Fatimah mencapai telefon bimbitnya. Aplikasi whatsapp dibuka. Ditekan nombor seorang sahabat perjuangannya, Bazy. Ditaip perkataan-perkataan luahan rasanya perlahan-lahan sambil tertumpah air matanya di pipi. 

Salam Bazy, ahhhh susahnya T_T

7.30 pm di Malaysia sekarang. Pasti Bazy sedang menunaikan solat jemaah di Maghrib dan kemudian dinner bersama keluarganya. Fatimah tahu itu rutin harian Bazy selepas Maghrib, menyantuni ahli keluarganya. Cukuplah sekadar dapat menyampaikan luahan rasanya pada sahabat yang disayanginya. Fatimah puas dan lega. Dia yakin Bazy akan membalas keesokan paginya. Jam sudah menunjukkan 12.30 malam. Dia perlu tidur sekarang. Esok Fatimah perlu bangun awal untuk menyiapkan assignment essaynya untuk dihantar hari lusa. 

---

Keesokan paginya, jam loceng telefon bimbit Fatimah berbunyi lantas dia bangun menyelesaikan rutin paginya. Qiyam, subuh bersama akhawat, mathurat, bersiap-siap dan sarapan. Kemudian, dia terus mencapai telefon bimbitnya. Ada mesej whatsapp di situ; 

Wslm Imah, hang on there! Aku tahu bukan senang nak tarbiyah adik-adik tu. Kuatkan kesabaranmu. Nanti kita call eh. Love you fillah. Nah hadiah; 30:60

Fatimah tersenyum. Inilah yang dia nantikan. Satu nasihat berharga buat dirinya yang penuh kelemahan. Lantas dibuka alQuran pemberian murabbi pertamanya. 

"Maka bersabarlah engkau, sungguh, janji Allah itu benar dan sekali-kali jangan sampai orang-orang yang tidak menyakini (kebenaran ayat-ayat Allah) itu menggelisahkan engkau."

Ar-Rum : ayat 60

Dipanjatkan syukur pada Sang Murabbi Agung. Ya Allah Kau masih lagi bersamaku, memberikan kekuatan kepadaku, menyampaikan kata cintaMu melalui ayat-ayatMu dan tidak pernah aku merasa sesal menggalas beban menjadi seorang daie dan murabbi. Syukur ya Allah atas kurniaanMu; anak-anak buahku dan sahabat-sahabatku yang tercinta. Kau permudahkanlah urusan akhawatku! 

Sekian. 

p/s: buat yang berjuang di sana, moga terus kuat dan tabah mentarbiyah. Buat di sini dalam fasa adaptasi, kuatkanlah kesabaranmu. Allah pasti akan memberikan yang terbaik buat kita. Jazakumullahu khayr. 

Of.feeling.like.a.loser

In a state of feeling like a loser
When you cant do anything
But depends solely on people
You achieve nothing
And you feel like youre not doing anything

O Allah
How painful this state it is
Whatever you hear is just complaining and destructive comments
No compliments, care, support and love

O Allah how tested I am with this state

This test is clearly Allah wanna clean me
I dont know from what
But this pain is real deep
Whenever this feeling comes
It hurts me to the core of my heart

Of feeling like a loser
You just feel like wanna give up

A.Painful.Regret.

I was putting off reading the Quran since this morning. It is my fault. I have been engaged with my work and also distractions - reading general information around the World. I guess distractions first than doing my work. 

Later in the afternoon, I cannot pray as my period comes. 

How I wish I read Quran first then I do my work and lost in the distractions. T_T

I have been struggling a lot with the Quran. It's the time that Ive been tested with no feeling towards it. You know, when the early phase you know and learn about the Quran, you become a person like so immersed in the Quran, you feel the peace, serenity and so much more. You get like 'high' in it. 

But as time goes by, the feeling towards somehow depleting. I guess it's not just for Quran. It can be in our prayer and any ibadah, or even dreams and relationship right?! It comes to a stage where you get used to it and you don't have the feeling anymore. That's the hardest part! 

Are you still going to read it when you're not feeling like want to read it? Are you just doing it when you feel happy or excited about it? But how about the feeling is not there? 

Oh Allah, I feel so stupid, so worthless, so regretful with my actions. I just want myself to actually learn this and never doing it again. But it turns out that I'll keep on doing the same mistake again and again. 

Maybe I should do something. This is HUGE to me but there will be another ENORMOUS one that I will kill myself I do it. Regret in the akhirah. There are many ayahs talking about how this person really regrets about his/her actions in the World when finding out that they end up in Hell. The most regretful one - you can no longer fix it cause they're no longer chance. You just have to face it for eternity! Naudzubillahhh T_T I dont want it!!!!!!

وَلَوْ تَرَىٰ إِذِ الْمُجْرِمُونَ نَاكِسُو رُءُوسِهِمْ عِندَ رَبِّهِمْ رَبَّنَا أَبْصَرْنَا وَسَمِعْنَا فَارْجِعْنَا نَعْمَلْ صَالِحًا إِنَّا مُوقِنُونَ

If you could but see when the criminals are hanging their heads before their Lord, [saying], "Our Lord, we have seen and heard, so return us [to the world]; we will work righteousness. Indeed, we are [now] certain." (32:12)

I'm writing this hopefully someone who reads this can learn from my mistake. Please pray the best for me. 

Jazakumullahu khayr. 

Tarbiyah.Umrah.#4: Be good to our parents!

Wabilwalidaini ihsana

During my umrah, I see so many people from different regions with a different range of age. There are youngster, old people, adults, disabled people and babies. However, one thing in common in all of them are they are taking a great care for their parents.

You can see a son is holding his dad's hand and his dad is really struggling to walk. There is a daughter who walks side by side with her mom, not letting of her hand so that her mom can walk safely without any worry of getting lost. Even a husband who pushed his wife on her wheelchair taking her to the masjidil haram.

It's really a great view to look upon. Despite of so many old people walking hard to get their umrah done, there must be a relative who helped them.

Allah said in the Quran, wabilwalidaini ihsaana. There are few places in the Quran mentions that phrase - to be good to your parents. But to our knowledge, there is no place in the Quran that says be good to your own children.

Why is that?

You know, it's so easy for parents to love their kids. The children dont really have to do much in order to be loved. The parents automatically love them. This is because they are the ones who take care  of the children right from the beginning of the pregnancy till they grow up.

But in order for the children to pay back their parents is not that easy. We can see so many settlement villages for elders and there are some who just abandons their parents. To them, taking care of their parents is another burden. They have their career and their dreams to achieve.

So guys and girls out there,

Be good to our parents while they are still here in this Dunya. After that, we have no more who will pray the best for us nonstop.

Tarbiyah.Umrah.#3: Ranting on Selfish People

On the second day, we'd try to get ourselves pray on the ground floor, the closest that we can get to the Kaabah. We got second row of the second prayer space which is not bad. As we're waiting for Asr there are more people coming in try to get some space for them to pray.

There are nice people but there are some who are sooo selfish. These people maybe they were too tired to find a space by themselves that they decide to just sit on someone else's prayer space. They were not taking their seat but they just sit in front of that people which is happened to be a space for people to sujood. So when they were sitting, there was no more space for people (who came earlier and already save their space) to sujood.

It is so frustrating to see them. In fact in order for them to realise their mistake that we have to clearly talk to them that they have to go away and some of them even replied back that it is okay, there will be more space when everyone stands up. Whoaaa this is challenging and it's really testing my iman!

To be honest, selfish people is really frustrating. They are a bunch of people who I have struggle the most to be positive with. I bet u guys are the same as well aye? Things just got so hard if there are so many selfish ppl. They just want their things to get finished first. They dont really to wait for their turn, they just randomly sit in ppl's place, they cut the line and so much more to be said here. I am so discouraged by these people!

The same thing to Malaysia, there are tonnes of selfish people there. Just take Malaysian drivers for example.

This reminds me of the Judgement day. U know Rasulullah said, on that day, everyone will be selfish, they dont really care about the one that he loved. Even Allah said in the Quran, during the Judgement Day, a dad wants to secure himself from Hell that he is willing to sacrifice his wife, his children and his best friends.

I wonder how the situation looks like in real life?! It must be so horrible.

There are some reason ppl tend to be selfish and I think the biggest reason is they are desperate. They desperate maybe because the source is scarced and if they dont fight for it, they will not get it.

I just hope that on Judgement Day, I will be included in a group of people who are safe and make my way to Jannah.

Tarbiyah.Umrah.#2: Fastabiqul khayrat

Masjidil haram ini 24-7 masa operasinya. Manakan tidak, setiap saat setiap masa punya orang datang menziarahinya. Masa yang selalunya semua orang sedang nyenyak dibuai mimpi kalau dilihat di masjidil haram masih penuh manusia yg sedang melakukan tawaf, saie dan beriktikaf di dalamnya. Lebih kurang satu juta pada masa tersebut. Tak pernah putus manusia yg datang beribadat di dalamnya.

Entahlah, bila difikirkan, ramainya orang yg sedang mengejar redha Allah. Kalau kau malas nak berusaha mengejar redha Allah, know that there are tonnes of people who are tak pernah penat nak kejar redha Allah. Kalau kau malas, 'tren ini' bergerak je, kau yang akan tertinggal.

Fastabiqul khayrat. 

Berlumba-lumba membuat kebaikan.

Ya Allah tetapkan hatiku utk sentiasa fastabiqul khayrat biarpun mereka di sekelilingku tidak menyokong atau menghalang. Kerana hati ini ingin mengejar redha Allah, supaya Allah itu cinta dan redha padaku. Kerana diri ini terinspirasi dgn 'sekeliling idamanku' para anbiya' dan para sahabat. Merekalah contoh qudwah yang terbaik!

Tarbiyah.Umrah.#1: Good 'ol tough people!

Sakitnya kaki wpun dah rehat 5 jam tapi masih terasa sakitnya tapak kaki. Berjalan lamanya atas marble yg keras. Lenguh dan longlai bila nak menghabiskan saie. Tapi kalau difikirkan kembali, kami skrg lebih manja dan mudah menjalankan umrah - tempatnya disiapkan dgn air conditioner, tanahnya tidak berkerikil dan kasar penuh dgn batu, dibina cantik dgn marble dan dibuat bukit safa dan marwah itu di dalam kawasan teduhan masjid, tidak ada cahaya matahari yg direct contact dgn kami.

Bukankah itu sudah cukup senang dan mudah buat kami berbanding orang zaman dahulu yg lebih super susah dan mencabar?

Ya Allah betapa hebatnya orang zaman dahulu, lasak, kuat dan tidak manja.

Buat yang pinggang dan kakinya sakit seperti aku, Allah menghadiahkan kita dgn satu ayat yang cukup menenangkan hati dan menyentuh jiwa!

يَا أَيُّهَا الْإِنسَانُ إِنَّكَ كَادِحٌ إِلَىٰ رَبِّكَ كَدْحًا فَمُلَاقِيهِ

Wahai insan, sesungguhnya kau bersusah payah krn Tuhanmu maka kau akan berjumpa dgnNya (84:6)

Tidakkah sweet ayat ini? Allah seakan memujuk hati ini. Ya, Aku tahu kau sakit kau penat tetapi ketahuilah bahawa Aku sedang melihat kau yg sedang bersusah payah untukKu, maka jangan khuatir atas segala kesusahan itu, kau pasti akan dapat kesudahan yg baik apalagi dapat berjumpa dlm keadaan Aku meredhai atas segala kepenatanmu.

Analoginya bilamana orang mention kesusahan kau, mestilah maksudnya dia sedang memuji kau bukan? He is appreciating your effort. Maka tidakkah itu yg kita kejar bilamana Allah itu recognise usaha kita. Touchinggnyaaa~~

Maka kuatkanlah tekadmu, biarlah payah susah janji kita dapat berbuat yg terbaik utkNya dan Dia redha.

Anecdote.on.the.plane

After 5 years living in NZ, NZ has become a big part of my life. It lives in a special space in my heart. I have this feeling of gratitude and chilling when someone mentions NZ in the future. I'm about to land on my country but I've already miss NZ. I cant really accept the fact that Im leaving NZ forever. We shall see in the future if I can visit you again.

Things shall change as time goes by. 

But the feeling and memories will always stay.

Thank you for being a big part of my life. 

You somehow brought me to who I am now.

Thank you to all the people there. 

Akhawat 

Adik2

ACS Labstaffs

Random strangers 

And so much more.

And

To the future and many more challenges to come

Ya Allah I seek Your guidance and help for me keep on walking on this path.

InsyaAllah I believe that this is just a beginning of another new phase of life. Great man has courage and move on with his life.

Will struggling in life challenges to get me all the way to Jannah - the eternity place.

flight.post.

Assalamualaikum wbt 

I’m currently on my flight back to Malaysia for good. Still, I cannot believe that I’m actually leaving the country permanently. I dont know why but it seems my body, mind and soul cannot fathom or even process that fact. It just feels like I’m going back for summer. But actually, I am not coming back to New Zealand. I left everything there- my dakwah work, my lab technician job and most importantly, all the people and the memories. 

Looking back at all the memories, after almost 5 years in New Zealand has been such a great experience as in life experience. I still remember the day when I first touched down in Auckland, I cannot wait to meet akhawat there, exploring NZ and do what I have to do there - study and dakwah. 

Year by year, everything seemed more challenging and taught me how to be a real person and have more courage towards life. 

It started in 2012 where I was first starting to know Auckland and all the akhawats there. Kak Sarah told me that I only have 2 months to get to know this waqi’ before I started to do dakwah there. I remembered there was one day, Kak Sarah actually brought me to every apartment unit that akhawat stayed in (back then most of the akhawats lived in Forte Apartments - which is really awesome. Makan tingkat atas, solat turun bawah, meeting tingkat lain. Just call and we’re coming. haha.) Yeah, she actually did that and i got to meet most of the kakaks there. That time, I was really excited to handle a liqa’, become a murabbi. It’s all thanks to KABIL, where we really connect to each other and tell what do we do there - mostly doing tajmik, df and also handle usrah. Yeah, I was super excited to bring a liqa’ that Kak Nadhiya told me she cannot forget that I said to another sister that I wanna bring a liqa’ despite whatever happened. 

(is listening to Maher Zain’s song of I’m Alive while writing this makes me think of Anis Amsyar - well amsyar, you surely will be missed!)

That year as well, where the beginning of my major challenge which is my study. End of 2012, I got disqualified by faculty to do my actual course - Biotechnology and then had to change it to Biological Science. I was really frustrated by it. Time management was really a struggle for me. Got not much time to actually study and digests plus remember all the bio facts which is super important cause if you dont remember you basically cannot answer the question at all like nothing at all! I kept on struggling with that year by year. 

2013 is the year where I was given the chance to lead a katibah where I am the youngest member of the katibah. I mean, kakak-kakak at that time was really pushed and made the most out of me in order for me to learn a lot from this dakwah & tarbiyah. It was really a huge task for me. At the same time, study was really a huge struggle. I am basically just a student that barely survived and I failed like 4 papers out of my 3 and a half study years and always got C’s for most of the subjects. Was never a bright student at that time. 

Things got really challenging as years passed by, where from the beginning I was just handling a circle to a katibah then to actually lead a lokaliti and last year was the year that I was given an enormous to manage New Zealand’s dakwah and tarbiyah. Things never got easy for me, always got harder and harder day by day. I personally feel that Allah really taught me the hard way. Or maybe I only learn that way. 

Some of the things that got me really sad being on this road is when we see akhawat did some actions that somehow make us feel like not prioritising dnt or even I feel like as if they dont really care and feel  something about this dakwah and tarbiyah. insted, they priotised normal things like travelling or having awesome things but actually that part of time/money-spending is what dakwah needed the most at that time. 

Anyhow, I also faced struggles like feelings towards akhawat as well. For example, always having positive thoughts towards akhawat is really hard. Like why these particular akhawat always together jalan sama2, pergi cafe sama2 and not even invite us to join it. It was happening like many times that I developed a thought that akhawat didnt really cared or loved me. Whenever it comes to serious matter as in dakwah matter, yeah we got together and work on it. But whenever they were having fun they neglected me. I am always alone back then that I remembered when I was walking to a meeting place I was comparing myself with other akhawat few steps in front of me and behind me. They walked together but me - I was just walking by myself. Some of them become bestfriend that one of them waited for one another and do things together. But me, just do my things alone and I was really stressed at that time with all these dakwah tarbiyah matters that I feel I need supports and love but I didnt get it. Things got really worse to the extent sometimes it bothered me so much and sometime i even spilled it out to one of them. “Yelah, bestnye korang selalu study sesama, pergi senyap2 tak ajak saya pun. Sedihnya!” 

She then explained that I always busy with my tasks and study which is actually true that she didn’t want to disturb my busy-ness. Despite of what happened, Allah always send me akhawat that cared for me, loved me despite of I didnt realise it. So many that when I think of it now, they actually cared for me. Every of my birthday, they always celebrate with what I like the most - nahlul faruq with the brownies and their suprises when I was just finished my shower..haha., ihsanians with celebration at uncle man’s restaurant, kak fareha and her Malay food feast and Ain Sahimi with her ikan bakaq air asam - they actually cooked it for me and so much more. Fatin, one of my best buddies or I can say my best bestfriend I really love for the sake of Allah always said to me, “Akak selalu rasa macam tu, rasa orang tak sayang dia la ape la.” She always got frustrated when I think of that way. Most of the times, I cannot read between the lines. They dont really tell they love me but their actions said it. Hahaha. I’m so kurang kasih sayang punya orang. hahaha. Padahal, they dont say it cause I dont really respond to lovey dovey things, always keep on putting the macho mode. 

As time goes by, I learned that Allah sent so many loves through all these akhawat and their care and love! For now, I only realised it. Poor me! I wish I could see it earlier. 2 days ago they threw a huge makan-makan celebrating my bfg - just for me. And just now, 3 big cars came and send me off at the airport. Their gifts as well. How’s that? Is it still you’re not loved and cared of? Take that! 

I would like to use this chance to actually appreciate all the things that you have done to me. May Allah bless all of you with Jannah! Each one of you has helped me a lot and made me who I am today. Tribute to Fatin Aqilah, my adik lejen, for always being there, layan all these merepekness of mine, layan my kurang kasih sayang attitude, try hard to console me whenever I cried on her, and even in the first place letting yourself to actually listen to my struggles which is really heavy for you. It was really hard to find a person that I can spill what I feel cause what I faced usually things that I cannot tell any random akhawat. It was something super sensitive or I can say really heavy and depressing that up until now whenever I told her what I’m facing through she always dont know how to respond or even making her stressed out and fear to carry this burden. My dearest tintun, jazakillahu khayr for everything! I love you fillah. 

2016 taught me deeply about ukhuwah and how important is that for dakwah to work and move. So many hearts-aching situations, so many incidents that actually broke the ruh of a dakwah team. We have so many great people but cannot connect to each other. We dont feel supported by each other, meeting is like a debate session that someone will feel like a loser and someone just slashed their hearts with sharp words. No feeling of yes we have different opinion but I actually understand why you feel that way and try to consider that but it’s just like I think of this way, whoever objects it I’m gonna make her to understand and submit to my opinions. That’s the actual feeling or vibes that always happen whenever we got together to do meeting etc. Hence things got worse, akhawat do things by themselves, each locality only care about their locality. No understandings, no support for each other. NONE. Which is really sad and breaking things apart. 

I tried hard to become a mediator, stay diplomatic and try to make people understand each other but it’s not easy as it looks. You yourself also got scarred on your heart, you yourself have your stress and we have things to be done and sometimes got really mad with what heart-feelings cause it’s really a disturbance for dakwah. I myself got so many other problems for me to settle down as well. But I have to always stay calm, be patience and try to find a reason of this person behave like this so on and so forth. To make this happen was not really easy task at all. Period. Up until today, things dont really settle to its bottom. But things got more positive, I would say. 

Being together, having each other back up, support and love is the most crucial part of a dakwah team. You just cannot like becoming a robot and work. People actually have feelings. Behaving well according to akhlak Rasulullah is really a key for this. I cant say even more. That’s what it takes! 

I guess that’s it for now. I’m so sleepy rite now. 

Till then, 

Bella.