A.Painful.Regret.

I was putting off reading the Quran since this morning. It is my fault. I have been engaged with my work and also distractions - reading general information around the World. I guess distractions first than doing my work. 

Later in the afternoon, I cannot pray as my period comes. 

How I wish I read Quran first then I do my work and lost in the distractions. T_T

I have been struggling a lot with the Quran. It's the time that Ive been tested with no feeling towards it. You know, when the early phase you know and learn about the Quran, you become a person like so immersed in the Quran, you feel the peace, serenity and so much more. You get like 'high' in it. 

But as time goes by, the feeling towards somehow depleting. I guess it's not just for Quran. It can be in our prayer and any ibadah, or even dreams and relationship right?! It comes to a stage where you get used to it and you don't have the feeling anymore. That's the hardest part! 

Are you still going to read it when you're not feeling like want to read it? Are you just doing it when you feel happy or excited about it? But how about the feeling is not there? 

Oh Allah, I feel so stupid, so worthless, so regretful with my actions. I just want myself to actually learn this and never doing it again. But it turns out that I'll keep on doing the same mistake again and again. 

Maybe I should do something. This is HUGE to me but there will be another ENORMOUS one that I will kill myself I do it. Regret in the akhirah. There are many ayahs talking about how this person really regrets about his/her actions in the World when finding out that they end up in Hell. The most regretful one - you can no longer fix it cause they're no longer chance. You just have to face it for eternity! Naudzubillahhh T_T I dont want it!!!!!!

وَلَوْ تَرَىٰ إِذِ الْمُجْرِمُونَ نَاكِسُو رُءُوسِهِمْ عِندَ رَبِّهِمْ رَبَّنَا أَبْصَرْنَا وَسَمِعْنَا فَارْجِعْنَا نَعْمَلْ صَالِحًا إِنَّا مُوقِنُونَ

If you could but see when the criminals are hanging their heads before their Lord, [saying], "Our Lord, we have seen and heard, so return us [to the world]; we will work righteousness. Indeed, we are [now] certain." (32:12)

I'm writing this hopefully someone who reads this can learn from my mistake. Please pray the best for me. 

Jazakumullahu khayr.