Current.Status.

Assalamualaikum wbt

I believe no one reads my blog anymore. Well, I take that as positive thing cause I can spill whatever I feel right now at this moment of my life. 

It's already 2 months since I came back home in Malaysia, trying to find a job and build a stable single life. Alhamdulillah in terms of dnt, I got a chance to join an usrah group in Shah Alam and I'm thinking to settle there maybe just for a while before I got into my second phase of life. 

This jobseeking phase is really depressing. I dont know why but one of my usrahmates got job really easy. She was doing intern last 3 months and then she got the other job in the different part of Malaysia and right now she's working. I feel like wow thing was just so easy for her. 

Now, my plan is to find a job as Research Assistant in Shah Alam area to pursue Masters degree then maybe end up as a Research Officer or a Lecturer. I am totally happy if I can get a chance to involve in any research in Microbiology especially if it has something to do with the environment. I tried emailing UITM lecturers in this area of interest but no reply. One lecturer from Monash. Multiple applications for RA in UM. But still none. 

On the other hand, I have already applied 15+ positions in Jobstreet but it doesn't come out good. I still got no response. Last week, I got an interview alhamdulillah as a RA in UM but not in my area of interest. I just went to the interview to brush up my interview skills. The interview was good. I managed to answer all the questions but I can see their biggest concern is I have interest in something which is not related to the project. It got me thinking that maybe I should focus on finding RA position in my area of interest. But then again, the conflict would be in order for me to be in Shah Alam, there are only 3 universities that I can work with. I tried to find other researches in microbiology but most of them are in Gombak, KL, Serdang which is I dont think so. My priority is my dnt. The first thing that I need to prioritise is my iman. I need to be stable first in my iman aspect. Sometimes I had a conflict with it. You know, why don't you just go ask the other places and prioritise your passion but I need to be stick and stones, only in Shah Alam area or PJ. That's it. I am more passionate in my dnt. Yes!

I can say I am depressed right now. Whenever I open the job-seeking webpages, I can feel this emotion comes and engulf the whole me. There are times I randomly cried when I think about it. I guess maybe in one day, I cried like 2-3 times. It is always happen when I am alone. It was so frustrating to think that I haven't managed to get myself a job and go get a stable life in my preferred area. Just to think about it alone, it's just killing me inside. 

To add the negatives more is when the time I need the support the most, no one is there for me. I have this one friend of mine that I always go to whenever I feel depressed. But now, she's maybe busy and she is far away from me that she cannot really see my struggle. I always give her nice words and support just to make myself stronger. It would be a lie if I say I'm not waiting for her response back to give me some support and care but yeah, she doesn't do that as often than I am. I guess maybe Allah makes things like this just to make me more depend on Him and learn to grow stronger not by receiving the support but by giving them. 

To be honest, it is hard to learn this thing cause at the time you face difficulties you somehow need love, care and support the most. What happened to me was the depressive times happen everyday that I need something to support myself everyday. Whenever I don't get it, it feels so painful and stress that what you want is not happening to you. It makes me feel like I'm such a loser, not getting anything that I aim for. 

*breathing slowly*

I need to empower myself cause the person I hope on the most don't really feel sensitive of what I need. (Don't take it wrong, my best friend is really nice. It's not her fault. It's just me that constantly need support that she cannot afford to due to her business) I need to be more positive and more optimistic of what happened. Maybe the fact that I am alone with myself and engaging with this problem everyday got me into this depressed state. 

I was hoping if my friend can understand what I feel right now and give me some supports, that would be nice. But, it's not happening now and you cannot force people right. They do when they feel like they wanna do it. I already did on my behalf. It's up to the other side. 

I just need to always remind myself whatever happen, there is always Allah with me. He is always there for me despite people that I hoped for don't really do. Or maybe I don't really realise it due to my condition now. I know people who loved me always pray the best for me. And I wanna keep on being positive of me despite of how hard the struggle is to be positive. It's really easy to drop yourself in that depressing pitch black state but I don't want myself in it so I struggle to keep myself back on my feet without any physical care, love and support. 

If you happen to read this, please do not post any negative comments cause you're not helping when you do that. Please show some love and support if you want to. If you happen to be a Muslim when you read this, say Alhamdulillah for your life right now. Please pray for me. 

Thanks. Jazakumullahu khayr.