A.Note.To.Myself.

"Happiness is actually the means, not the destination but the vehicle. It’s a way to live throughout life.

If happiness is about achieving things such as fame and money then why aren’t the rich and famous happy?

So what is it? The definition of happiness given by Allah and the Messenger is this: “Every organ in our body is going to be satisfied in a specific way, the stomach by food, the ears by listening to pleasing sounds, the eyes by looking at something beautiful”. The heart is created in a way that it can only be filled with something that goes inline with the nature of the heart.

The heart was created by Allah for Allah."

(taken from here)

As a normal human being, we grew up and faced a lot obstacles in this life. Each trial that we've gone through was super hard that we cannot bear it on ourselves. Particularly, as a woman/girl, there is the need to express the feelings and emotion and looking for support to face the challenges. Those who keep it to themselves and not pour it out in even a single way (you can express it through arts etc., not just via speech) can be a ticking bomb to themselves, waiting to explode and fear that it will be something damaging or lethal. 

So, based on my life, these challenges were bearable for me to face and I have an enough bravery to go through this is due to (one of) what Allah blessed me with; great friends and particularly a best friend. She is the one whenever I feel sad or I feel the need to pour out, I'll definitely came to (be it face-to-face, voice note, messages or emails). She was a really great friend where I found comfort, supports and bravery to do whatever I have to do. She always there to help me where I needed a help (be it earlier or later). I feel so blessed and happy whenever I'm with her (hanging out or talking to her or just be there with her).

But somehow, things are going a little bit deviate where I totally focus on the happiness and I equal the happiness with her presence. Whenever there is no presence of her (in terms of physical/virtual/messages), I feel like I'm not happy or I feel like I'm not loved at all. I feel like she is the only person who care about me so when she is not there, I feel like no one cares for me at all. To the extent that I associate happiness with her which deep inside I can feel that this is not right. I don't feel content and happy in a pure way. I always uneasy and always hoping for my best friend's text messages. I know she feels that what I feel about this friendship is not purely right. She only responds to the one that she feels that she need to respond or care for and I know she did that because she doesn't want me to get attached to her. There are also times where she will spontaneously speak out advice for me that I, hundred percent, admit that she is right about how I should feel with her and the friendship. She knows how to give reminders and deep down inside I know she is right and I accept it slowly. 

Just like what Yasmin Mogahed said in the above statement, happiness is a mean, not our aim. In my case, my best friend is a mean, not what I seek for and not my aim. It's hard but I admit she is not what I need the most even though all the things that I favour (love, care, support and strength) for I can find it in her but I totally forgot that I found it cause Allah permits it for me to find in her. Allah can take her out from my life or even diminish the things that I favour in her from her. It is possible that may be in the future or soon, I will no longer found love, care, support and strength from her. And if I still get attached to her, I will be broken to the max with myself. 

Little did I try to see and feel that she is not the only one that I can find all the things that I favour. There are many other people who are actually love, care, support and strengthen me that I purposely forget to see and admit it. I know and I want to change myself before I'll allow myself to be broken. To be broken for I depend on the wrong thing. Heart is solely made for Allah. Did I do justice to my heart? I think I need to work more in this. 

I am still struggling with this. I'm not done with this trial yet. But it takes courage and firstly, need to admit that this is utterly wrong and I need to make a change. My heart is solely for Allah and this false attachment is not good. My best friend is not guilty. She did her job, reminding and acted what she needs to. It's me that needs to do the job and alhamdulillah despite of this injustice that I did to Allah, He still bless me with this friendship and all I need to do is purify this friendship for the sake of Allah. 

That's all for now. Pray hard for me. 

Thanks. 

x