on.loneliness.

Salam everyone,

It’s been a long time since I write a post in my blog. I don’t wanna talk about how little time do I have cause I think that’s just an excuse. But let me just get this one done so I can break this bad habit of procrastinating for so long.

I just feel like writing what I learned a lot since I got back home for good – to learn living by yourself. It’s not that I rent a house/room and stay alone by myself. Not I’m not. In fact, I’m actually living in my family but having said that, I find my life so far has been more alone than before I was in Auckland.

Back in Auckland, everything was very cheerful as in the sense you’re constantly meeting people. I rent with my 4 akhawats and being akhawat, you’re always have people in your house – be it akhawat or adik-adik (sisters that we take care. We, the older ones ‘kakak-kakak’ feels the responsibility to take care of them. Something like that. Haha.) Back to the point, I love living in the house that full of people. You see people every time. You talk, connect and share every time that up to a point that you seek for some space for yourself. You get fed up with some attitude that sometimes happened. You need to give and think and help others. Sometimes, it can get too much that I was once wish that I can fast from having a whatsapp message coming in my phone. Haha.

However, table is turned now. In this phase of adulthood, I get more my me-time. I work alone in front of my laptop. Mostly I eat alone in front of my computer. I go to prayer room alone. I drive by myself most of the time. Personal whatsapp messages is hardly coming in compared to times before and whatsapp groups are not really flooding my phone. No more constant chatting like before - ever.

The huge reason is I don’t really live with akhawat now. I have to live with parents. There’s another story of that. I don’t want to talk about it. I do have a few colleagues of mine but we’re not really working at the same thing much. We have different research going in. We do chat and grab food at the same time. But that’s just it. I do meet akhawat according to my schedule. There are nights that I spend with my family and there are nights that I spend with akhawat.

Honestly, I would say three-quarter of my adaptation phase, I feel so lonely than before. I’m not used to life without akhawat in close contact of everyday. I started to think about how sad my life is and how people really don’t care about me and how life is always good in New Zealand and whatnot. I only see the bad side of it and I always cry. Always. Crying at how lonely I am and having no one really cares, this is the most hurtful truth that I felt. I am human too.

I do have a best buddy that I always turn to whenever I’m sad but to the sad truth, she cannot always be there for me as she has sooo many things to do that she even cannot properly have her own sweet time and the fact that we lived far apart, makes things even more harder to tell. I just feel sad and try to think positive whenever I didn’t get a chance to tell or receive any reply from her. (But actually she did reply. She always reply. It’s just that the moment you feel sad and you tell everything via text and she didn’t reply at that area of time with the emotion you have at that moment, made everything looks so grieving.)

A man asked the Messenger: "Who is the most wise of people O Messenger of Allah?" He replied: "The one who remembers death most often and the one who is well-prepared to meet it; these are the wise; honorable in this life and dignified in the Hereafter."
[Ibn Majah,Tabarani]

Yes, there’s nothing but only truth in Rasulullah s.a.w’s words!

For every single thing, there will be a remedy and to me, remembering and reflecting upon death and how the life would be in the next phase of life is what makes me accept this situation and try to make the most out of it. If I can remember it well, it was one time when I heard from a lecture about what we would face in the grave – alam barzakh – where we would be alone by ourselves. Alquran would be in the form of a man that will accompany us alone in the grave if we have a strong relationship with it, which I personally has to improve on certainly! T_T

Since that narration I heard, it got me thinking of why I really seek of companionship when it’s all going to be me alone by myself in the end. If I, in the first place, am very close to the Creator, isn’t it going to be no more loneliness for me until forever. Cause once your heart is very close to Him and you want and feel His presence, it is in fact He is always there in whatever phase of life you are in. So why find companionship of human when you can fill with the presence of Allah that will everlasting? Cause once you addict for human companionship, you’re going to be hurt again at the time you’re separated from the ones you love the most.

To be alone is okay. To feel lonely is NOT okay.

When you’re all alone and you feel His presence - that’s the best!  You get the time to reflect of what have you done. You got the time to plan and execute. You can do it in your way and less time to stuck in a matter that people create to disturb other people.  

You’ll never ever feel alone!

You have Him that always there for you, giving you all these blessings, take care of you and ease everything for you. He is Ar-Rahman. We are the servants of Ar-Rahman, the Most Compassion. We forgot to be thankful to Allah. The basic needs area already there in front of our eyes.