Birthday.2020.

Assalamualaikum wbt and hi, 

I haven't written any single thing ever since July 2018. That is almost close to two years of not writing anything here. Sorry blog, it's just that I find that I have other platform to write but I always put you in a special place compared to other medium cause you're the first platform that I used to pour out whatever I feel since 2008, I guess and ever since that time, writing has been my therapy for me. Whenever I feel emotional or whatever, it is always writing that heals me the most.

Okay, since I don't think I am going to write on a frequent basis here so I decided to do some honourable things over here with this precious blog of mine. I plan to always come here for every of my birthday and just answer to the very same questions each year. The purpose is to keep track of my life and to see how much different or progress my life is compared to the year before or after. I don't know why but now I really like to write for my future self, just for some future reflection. 

Without further ado, let's answers some questions shall we?

1. What is your age now?

I am 29 years old right now. 

2. Describe yourself now? 

I am not really in a happy state. I can say I am pretty much sad these few days due to unknown or unresponsive or uncertain replies from person that I feel very nervous about cause this person might affect the rest of my life. So, I'm quite sad cause I don't know what will happen in the future. 

Due to my single status now at this age, my dad has constantly worries with me. He really worries if I have reached that age where there will be no one wants to marry me. He sees me as a person who doesn't really want to get married cause this young woman always think about her usrah only and never care to dress up, wearing make up and be attractive so that guys will get attracted to me. Honestly, I am very heartbroken with whatever perception that my dad has on me. As a woman, I am really sad to see people see me for what my physical is but not on my upbringing, my akhlak, my confidence, my intelligence. Is that only why you think a woman is attractive? For her appearance only. I am sad with my dad cause I thought that kind of perception is only happened for people who do not know me well but alhamdulillah for my mom that is sooooo supportive and so strong. I really adore her for what she has done to our family. My mom rocks big time compared to my dad! Sorry ayah. 

Career wise, I am still doing my masters and jobless right now. But insyaAllah I'm now at the end of my masters journey and I really hope that I can finish it asap and graduate. I also will be working in September 2020 as an RA for another project to come. So I really need to finish this thesis and paper writing asap. 

Dnt wise, alhamdulillah I am still have the opportunity contributing in dnt like I want to. Though I find other super akhawat who have done and achieve so many things but alhamdulillah I take them as my inspirations and motivation to always pushing myself to become better. Alhamdulillah for 9 years of tarbiyah and dakwah. I look forward to contribute more and do more for dnt biiznillah. 

3. How do you find yourself now?

I find myself a lot better than I was in 2017 and 2018. I was really fragile at that years but now, I think I have become a little tougher at heart but still prone to fragile due to this person that I mention above. Honestly, I think I am ready to get married now. I only feel like wanting to get married now but still no sign of any confirmation of future spouse..haha. poor bella. I hope future bella found love of her life sooner. If yes, I am so happy for you, future bella. You better make a right choice ok!

I hope I get to be more productive, more discipline in terms of putting more hard work and more focus. I know for sure future bella will have to bear more burden and I just hope that I am capable to do that. 

4. What is one thing that you really learn now?

I really learn to just focus on your life now. Do not compare to anyone at all. Everyone has their own timings, their own ups and downs. So you just focus on yours, enjoy your life and appreciate everything in your life now especially my loved ones. 

5. State your current words that you always say now?

I think I don't have any current words that I usually say but I always tell myself to be focus and ignore whatever distraction comes in. 

6. Any advice for past Bella? 

You're almost there, bella. You actually see the shimmer of the light at the end of tunnel. You have grown into a person with quite a stern heart but fragile at the same time. I know it's complicated but yeah that's what it is! 

7. What do you want to tell future Bella?

I say I love you, Bella and I hope I will make you proud of me and I hope I make a good decision for you and I really want to make future Bella as successful and blessed can it be. Ultimately, I really want to make Bella in this life to have husnul khatimah and end up in Jannah in the afterlife. Amin!!!! 

I also pray that you'll be an amazing woman. You can maintain to be steadfast in juggling with lots of things at the same time - your dnt, your job, your family, yourself. I hope you'll find a great supportive husband that always make you feel blessed. I hope you'll become a great mother who will teach your children and your generation until they become the upholders of this Deen biiznillah. 

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There you go, Bella. Happiest birthday and sanah helwah to you! May Allah always lives in your heart and grant you with Jannah. aminn. 

Love, 

Bella 2020.