Of.another.self-searching

Assalamualaikum wbt and hi!

It's been three weeks now since I landed on this British land. Time passes and I have been in so many conditions and emotions. Most of the time I'm all alone and I do feel lonely. You know when you're the only Muslim girl in this area and whenever you walk you only find non-muslims most of the time and you feel you're so different and not belong to the place. 

Sometimes you get warm smiles, sometimes you don't. But that's okay. However, the very bad time is when you get a bad vibe. You can feel it. Just now, I was walking in front of this guy who was talking on the phone and he looked at me with nothing. I just kept on walking in front of him and when I was literally in front of him, I can hear him spitting and it sounds like that spit is very close to me. 

My feeling? Oh gosh, don't ever ask. It makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like my self-esteem is going very very low. I feel dishonoured and unappreciated. This is adding up from what happened 2 days ago, some appointed people in the organisation where I worked, decided not to keep the first aid room as my prayer room anymore. My supervisors in the UK had already make an arrangement to have a room for me to pray since 2 months but out of sudden, it changed this week. My supervisor was really frustrated. They decided to make the room for storing things instead of having pray inside. I mean, I was okay in the first place but after a while, it got me thinking that they prioritised things over me, the human. Funny, right?

I feel like am I lesser than things. Or my prayer is not your priority since you're not Muslim, aren't you? I had enough of the prejudice that I received from your immigration officer when I was arrived in Heathrow and having these stuffs happened to me makes me feel even sad. 

But alhamdulillah I still manage to motivate myself everyday. I think about Maryam, Asiah, Muadz bin Jabal, all the companions that are alone by themselves in a foreign place. I feel a very huge respect to them for succeeding of going through their journey all their lives. I mean I just being alone here for almost 3 weeks and I'm already started to feel this bad. How even they survive?

Let me search the answer later. I mean, I do have some answers from my ukht but I don't feel it yet. I think I have to work on it first. After I got it and did it, then I'll write it down here in this blog. 

Well, thank you very much for reading this.

Jazakumullahu khayr. 

See you later!