very.normal.post.

Play "The Cinematic Orchestra - To Build a Home"

[Beware this is an emotional expression]

Hi there, everyone!

Assalamualaikum wbt

Finally, next week I'm gonna be back in Auckland, NZ. Not for further studying as MARA didn't respond at all to my application of sponsorship for my postgrad diploma. Well, I am used to receive all these rejections. People who reject us really knock us down, aye?

To me, these days, rejection is almost blended well in my life right now. I applied for like 15 (or more than that) job opportunities but everything I got back is just "we are sorry to say that your application is not successful." Yup, thank you very much. At least they replied, aren't they?

Sincerely, everything looks like gonna fall apart. Well, I used to say that, am I? What a negative mind I have. I tried to be positive. I did research on it like I read few webpage on being and stay positive. I tried hard not to think bad about what happened. But somehow, I just cannot help it. You know, looking at the sisters left in Auckland makes me worried much. Is it going to be strong enough to maintain there in Auckland? Or New Zealand I suppose to say. Penggerak dakwah is getting smaller in number. There are places with really really small in number but tonnes of people coming there. I don't mind with the numbers actually. I'm thinking about the burden that they're gonna bear. I hope they'll stay strong and I hope I am as well.

I was thinking, am I able to do something for New Zealand. At least build one pelapis pemikir for one locality that will stay more than 2 years to maintain the dakwah in New Zealand. Like what the older sisters had done to me, I wanna do that again to others. That's one that always make me thinking and stressing about.

In my current condition, I am unemployed. Did not have the chance to get further my study because of the condition of the economy now, being trying to get job in New Zealand but still did not have one (insyaAllah coming soon, I guess) is stressful. It become more stressful that you feel you are alone to have this kind of life. Feel like no one's there to understand your situation. Haha. Did you see that? Being negative is super duper easy! (hate it so muchhh). I just hope that this situation will be ended very soon.

Actually, what's other thing that I feel besides frustration and stress?

I know that I'm going back to Auckland is for dakwah. Yup, people can simply said what a sad life I have whenever they asked me "What you're going to do?" and I say, "Im not really sure, though." But one thing for sure that I feel is I feel a lot more self-talking to myself and Allah. Whenever I read Quran and I encounter some ayats, it's like it really goes straight to your heart. I really love whenever I feel being supported by my good friends and especially by Allah and His words.

I am sure that non-believers would never feel the same as I was. You feel like Allah got your back and you just have to patient (which is really really really hard!) and insyaAllah you believe Allah will give you the best result of all.

I am coming to conclusion about my life that yeah my life is not made up of people's expectation. My life is not like what I think I could be. I haven't thought in my life I'm going back in Auckland for dakwah. I really cannot make people happy with my life as my life is not really smooth like everyone thought it gonna be. I am just a weak servant that try hard and struggling a lot with my life and I strongly feel that Allah will make my life the best for me.

Being adult is really hard, aye? There are times that I feel like there are good things if you die at young age. You don't have bigger responsibilities. You dont have to feel the pain. But anyway, if I really die at young age, please imagine that is Allah really accept what have I done so far with my life? I believe it's not.

There are tonnes of things that I bear right now which is really hard for me. I hope I can tell you a lot about it. But it's not easy to tell a difficult tangled story. I'll try if I can in the next post (if I want to).

Till then,

Salam and peace out.